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Penntury
October 28, 2007
Lenny wanted me to
begin this [report] by saying that I'm not sure if you are aware of
this or not, but the 8 of us that finished the scenic Penn century
(Lenny, John, Andrew, Michelle, Lucas, Nitro (aka Carl fr. Villanova),
Ross, and myself) are kind of a big deal. But I don't think this
does us justice. We are more than a big deal. We are glimmering golden
gods. We are shining beacons of moral rectitude. No matter the
circumstances, we go beyond the call of duty. If we were regular
showerers, not only would we shampoo and condition our hair, but we'd
also rinse and repeat. Twice! I know no non-sexist term that conveys
the same information, so pace Michelle, we have nuts the size of melons
(and consequently had significant chaffing problems from mile 12
onward).
The ride lived up to its name, being truly quite scenic. It
also seemed like it lasted for a century. Not including lunch, there
was about 2.5 hours of down time, thanks to numerous flat tires,
missing bolts, and other mechanical problems. This did not bother any
of us, thanks to the heroism of Lenny, who somehow managed to affix two
large saddlebags and four water bottles to his bike. And those
saddlebags were stuffed like Jenna Jameson's hooha. There were enough
power bars, cliff bars, nature-valley bars, GLBT bars, spare tubes,
energy gels, arm warmers, babushka-looking head wraps, even a spare
tire, to fuel (and entertain) a battalion of soldiers for at least a
week. Way to go, Lenny! So point being, the next time you do a
century, allot plenty of time out of your day, and come as prepared as
Lenny, and no matter how many stops you have, they will all go
smoothly. I cleared my computer, but I believe the total riding time
was about 6 hours, give or take, while I arrived home around 6 after
starting at 8. This of course includes waiting fifteen minutes to
leave, and fooling around with the guys at (and under!) the button.
FYI, Lenny commented that Nitro (aka Carl from Villanova) has soft
lips.
So that's what you need to know for your next century. Now for some
highlights from Sunday's ride. It started off so cold you could hung
raincoats from my nipples, but Andrew had the ingenious idea of putting
a newspaper inside his jersey, and it kept his upper body very warm. A
good tactic for those TTTs on frigid late-February mornings.
I'm not sure if I would necessarily call it a highlight, but there was
this strange guy with a mustache following us the entire time. [**We're
assuming Charlie is talking about Ross here**] He looked like a
pornstar from the 70's, or a child molester. But he seemed harmless
enough, and we let him tag along. And no cheesy smooth jazz was heard,
and no children were harmed.
Toward the end of the ride we were serenaded by a truly dulcet darling
in a black Hyundai. It was quite lovely. She sounded kind of like a
black Helen Keller.
I also learned that some cars just simply get angry when the see
cyclists on the road, even when there's no oncoming traffic and we're
riding single file on top of the white line. They will still honk at
you. Especially Mustang drivers. The anger I guess is understandable
coming from guys of that ilk, since anyone who needs 400 horses under
the hood must have extremely small genitalia. But for the rest of
them, I just don't get it. My only guess is they're jealous that
cyclists have such great butts. Seriously, they're firm, like mutton.
Plus they can serve as shelves to hold drinks on at parties.
John, our fearless, leader, was the hero for the day, helping change
every flat, and if there was a rider back, he'd go and get them. John
probably ended up riding 115 miles for the day. So we all owe John a
big thanks.
Speaking of flats, we went through more rubber tubes than a couple on
their honeymoon.
Lucas also stepped up big-time. Michelle had to get home to see her
mother before she left the country for several months, and time was
running short. So he raced ahead of the pack, letting Michelle in the
slipstream so she could get home as quickly as possible.
Carl pulled a spectacular one handed wheelie at one point. We tried to
photograph it and failed. The one we did photograph captured him just
before he fell on his ass.
For my part, I did nothing of interest, unless you count nearly crying
because I got a flat less than one tenth of a mile before pizza. By
that point, my stomach was feasting on itself, and the pangs were
getting me hard as John helped me play doctor on a severely gashed
wheel. I did learn one other thing about myself though. According to
Carl, climbing specialists have 2 pounds for every inch of height.
Lenny apparently hadn't seen that sort of body frame since junior
high. Well, until Sunday. So I learned that I could someday be a good
climber, provided I continue to have the body of an 8th grade girl.
Yay?
We also came across a pair of tandem riders that oozed bourgeoisie out
the anus. Pardon my language. They oozed "middle-class." They thought
they were pretty hot stuff. We really couldn't do much about how they
annoyed us, except to ruminate on the fact that he was ugly and she was
probably shallow and mean-spirited.
All in all it was a fantastic day. Once the sun peaked over the trees,
it warmed up quite a bit. I was ok in a long-sleeve jersey and leg
warmers but no shoe covers, long-fingered gloves, or cycling cap.
There was no rain and the wind was no worse than usual. There were no
brutal climbs, but the rolling hills still offered a decent workout.
The pizza was good, the company better. It was a good opportunity to
get to know some riders I may have seen once or twice on Saturday team
rides, but spending 10 hours with the same people, as you well know,
can go really well, or it can be absolutely intolerable. Fortunately,
it was the former, as everyone was generous and polite as riders and as
people, helping wherever we could. So I offer my personal thanks to
all who participated, even the people who unfortunately had to turn
back at Valley Forge for their own reasons. I didn't get to know them
as well, but I'm sure it would have been great. I hope to see everyone
involved much more as the season draws closer and is eventually upon
us. Take care all, and remember what Bobby Julich told me a few weeks
ago: "Don't eschew the beer and donuts. No matter what anyone tells
you, they're good carbs." He's not a nutritionist, but he is a pro, so
I'm gonna go ahead and take his advice. See ya'll on the rides, in the
Dunkin' Donuts, and at the pub. Cheers!
Charlie Zamastil
Temple University '13
Penntury
Photos
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