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Penntury
September 27, 2008
And you bleepers
thought I was never going to get drunk and write this thing. You
thought I had let you down. You thought I'd reneged on my promises.
You thought I'd ruined Christmas. Again. You thought that maybe,
just maybe, I'm not a superman who can hold down two jobs while
training obscene amounts each week, in pursuit of a PhPhD, and
still find time to write the ride report on the Penntury. Well,
ladies and gentlemen, not only did I find the time. I also found
$6.50 in my dirty pants pocket. And that was just enough to buy me
the goods to make some chamripple and, in the same way I wrote my
abstract for the upcoming Philosophy & Cycling series, I
downed a couple of glasses and decided to knock this puppy out.
And so folks, if you recall, September the
27th, dozens of us collected at the Button, from under
which Lenny and Ross emerged at 7:05 smelling faintly of Brut
Cologne and disillusioned wonder, to take on one of cycling's most
challenging excursions: The UPenn Scenic Century. If you recall,
a mere fraction of the starters survived last year's route,
succumbing to fatigue, frustration, flat tires, and flatulence. (At
this point, I take a drink of Chamripple: "one for me," then pour
one out on the pavement: "one for her" [her being the departed
Michelle Mighdol, who passed away last year of methane poisoning,
after riding in Ross' draft which apparently contained hundreds of
cubic inches of sublimated pepperoni pizza].) This year would be
different. This year would be better. This year, the riders rode
harder, better, faster, stronger. They rode with
daft hands,
if you will. As well as daft quads, hammys, glutes, calves, cores,
shoulders…And of the 19 starters, 17 finished! That's some kind of
fraction I don't even know! But it's really close to one, which I'm
told is as good as it gets when it comes to percent.
The trip saw its fair
share of flats, but all in all, the mechanics were not called in too
often to do too much work. I of course suffered the first flat of
the day, but Mr. Matthew Furlow and a pair of others much, much,
much less memorable—and attractive, for that matter—helped pull me
back up to the group. I do recall one was bald and used the words
"hammer" and "skull" a lot, and the other looked similar to the
Hulk-Hogan-impersonator that chased us around last year. But other
than that, I've got nothing on those guys.
What were some of
the highlights, you ask? Aside from the obvious pizza-eating
showdown between Lenny and me, which ended in a draw after the
pizza-allotment financial reserves had been depleted—I'd have to say
my favorite part was watching Mr. Noah Morgenstern do the entire
ride on a fixed gear bicycle. That's insane. Mad props to Noah. I
also was impressed by the guts shown by the dude behind Jimmy Ma in
the photo. Guy was so tired by the midway point that he actually
fell asleep in the pizza parlor at mile 60. And he kept on going!
Talk about pushing yourself past your limits.
One dude I haven't seen since was the man we
called "The Jan." He had a T-Mobile jersey, and I overheard him
telling someone, in reference to himself: "The Jan snacks on pain,
and dines on death. Seriously, the Jan actually dines on death,
with a side of wilted spinach and a nice Grenache. The Jan may dine
on death, but he is not being a savage." What happened to this guy?
I'd to see him at RPM! It could be The Jan vs. The Boz, and our
resident
DZ lookalike
could come along for good measure.
My personal highlights
included a 926 watt 5 sec sprint (15w/kg) that toasted Mr. Brenton
Swartz and Mr. Leonard Klipper, and a one v. one ride against Ross
while we waited for someone to change a flat.
Once again this year,
J-Mac was a big help. To deal with scads of bawdy teenage &
20-something boys and congeries of ability levels, he did well to
keep the group together.
Speaking of keeping
the group together, Lenny. Lenny, wow…that's all I can say. Once
again, great leadership shown. He always comes so prepared, And that
guy weathered the perfect storm of me being an airhead and at the
front of the group—which, of course, led to at least 4, count 'em 4
wrong turns. But coupled with the strength of a Garmin, Lenny got us
back together again and again.
I'm sad to say that
the Penntury witnessed its first crash in the two years I've been
doing it. A lovely Miss something or other went down hard on a slick
covered bridge and went careening into Lenny. I have not inquired
into how she's doing. Or Lenny. I can tell you I checked on what was
important, and I'm happy to report: Lenny's bike is doing fine.
The weather may have
been a bit rough, but you know what? That didn't stop Temple or Penn
riders. Villanova riders were notably absent, after committing.
Guess that goes to show you who has the tougher sons and daughters
of privileged upper middle class, predominantly well-educated
parents! Although, I've said it once and I'll say it again, much
like the Aliens in Signs, Catholic school students melt in the rain.
(Warning: Spoiler alert!)
Drexel also didn't
come. Laaaaame. Perhaps if we want them to come, we should report
that girls have been coming on this ride. They'd surely flock to the
ride, albeit 10 minutes late minimum. Those guys could seriously use
a good conversation with a live one that doesn't involve typing and
avatars. But I digress…
I thought the move to
earlier in the spring was wise, and I'm glad we went through with it
despite the limited rain.
Last year, the
following was omitted from the original report, and I feel it needs
to be reintroduced: Oatmeal is awesome. And you know what else is
awesome? The camaraderie that makes up the experience of the
Penntury. My closest friend named Carl was someone I've met on the
Penntury, for instance. Hopefully you all met someone too. Maybe you
fell in love. Who knows? Personally I feel you should have the right
to marry. But that's neither here nor there. The important points
have been made, the chamripple has been fully consumed, and the
dizziness is setting in. So goodnight all, and Merry Festivus.
Charlie Zamastil
Temple University '13
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