The Penn Band would like to welcome the class of 1999 to its first football game. In case you lost your campus map, you are now in building number 33. It's called (pronounced slowly) FRANKLIN FIELD. You're lucky because you don't have to see it under construction. Nor do you have to see College hall under construction, Logan Hall under construction or Smith Hall .... ever.

BAND FORMS: GONE
BAND PLAYS: "I Can See Clearly Now"

The Penn Band would now like to teach you the ABC's of the social scene here.

• A is for the alcohol you can't taste in your punch

• B is for BYOB

• C is for the call you'll never get

• and D is for Damn that Penn Band is good!

BAND FORMS: JOIN
BAND PLAYS: "Get On Your Feet"

Lafayette (away), September 22, 1995

PLEASE NOTE: This show, which was to be performed because the Lafayette Athletic Director decided that the show was too offensive about 30 seconds before we went on. In our place, Lafayette put a very cheesy Drum Corps on the field, including the largest women we've ever seen doing a strip routine. This stopped a band football game already in progress along the sideline because we were all too sick to continue play.

As the Penn Band narrowly escaped the dangerous confines of West Philadelphia, we looked forward to the serenity of the rolling hills of Easton, Pennsylvania. Cow after cow, smokestack after smokestack, we finally reached our destination. In the middle of nowhere, we realized just how peaceful and safe Lafayette College is, therefore making Lafayette College one of the top safety schools in the nation.

BAND FORMS: SAFE-T
BAND PLAYS: "Farmer In the Dell"

The Penn Band came up to Easton earlier this week and asked 100 Lafayette students a number of questions. The results were less than surprising.

• 87% were able to spell their name

• 68% were able to locate their own toes

• But only 17% could locate their friends' toes

• And obviously, 0% were accepted to the University of Pennsylvania

BAND FORMS: DUMB
BAND PLAYS: "Think"

Here's a quick quiz. Pick the one that does not belong.
A. Notre Dame - Michigan
B. Florida - Florida State
C. Colorado - Nebraska
D. Lafayette - Lehigh
Look. We here in the Penn Band understand that in your small, small world, the Lehigh - Lafayette rivalry is the be all - end all of college football. But in the real world, no one outside the Lehigh valley really cares about your pathetic, puny, insignificant, Mickey Mouse rivalry.

BAND FORMS: D
BAND PLAYS: "Mickey Mouse March"

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Penn Band would like to apologize for the scathing nature of our half-time show. We're usually not this mean, but lets be honest. We've seen Lehigh, we've played Lehigh, we've beaten Lehigh, and you, Lafayette, are no Lehigh. In order to prepare for the future when you'll be taking orders from us, RISE for the Red and the Blue.

BAND FORMS: OBEY
BAND PLAYS: "Red & Blue"

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Bucknell (home), September 30, 1995

As I walked down Locust Walk on Wednesday afternoon, I was confused by the fact that a security guard was in the kiosk, poised and ready to pounce. But when I returned from field rehearsal at 1 am, when the Walk was deserted and muggers abound, the empty kiosk offered little reassurance. Quickening my pace, I pondered the difference between a security kiosk and well, a $2000 pile of wood.

BAND FORMS: (a kiosk)
BAND PLAYS: Theme from "Dragnet"

(This joke will follow is Rob Hodgson decides to come to Penn)
The Penn Band is elated that Rob Hodgson has finally decided to swap his red shirt for a white tank with little red and blue stripes. While we certainly welcome you to our fine institution, we wondered what we'd hear first - The OJ verdict or your decision!

BAND FORMS: ROB
BAND PLAYS: Theme from "ESPN Sportscenter"

(if Hodgson does not decide to come to Penn)
The Penn Band was disappointed that Rob Hodgson decided against playing the Red and Blue. Apparently, an Ivy League education just wasn't good enough for him. We simply hope that he can choose his classes faster than he chose his school. Besides, we're much happier with our transfer form Providence.

BAND FORMS: IRA
BAND PLAYS: Theme from "ESPN Sportscenter"

We'd like to welcome the Bucknell fans to the West Philadelphia. All 4 of you. While we at Penn have had our own troubles with buffalo in the past, ours have gotten us a lot more publicity than this game against that Patriot League powerhouse, the Bucknell Bison ever could have.

BAND FORMS: H2O
BAND PLAYS: "Rawhide"

The Penn Band would now like to thank Michel Huber, the Executive Secretary of the General Alumni Society for his years of service and loyalty to the Penn Band. Mike - we greatly appreciate everything you've done and wish you the best of luck with everything. In honor of Mr. Huber, please rise for the Red and the Blue.

BAND FORMS: HUBER
BAND PLAYS: "Red & Blue"

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Columbia (away), October 7, 1995

Since no one here at Columbia will do it for us, we'd like to congratulate ourselves for moving up to number 6 in the Ivies in the latest U.S. News and World Report poll. Usually we enjoy insulting Cornell for always coming in last in the Ivy League. But we can't do that anymore! Congratulations Columbia University - you have been selected to reside in the cellar of the Ivy League. Which is still better than living in Ithaca.

BAND FORMS: 9 (change) 15
BAND PLAYS: "Another One Bites the Dust"

Now that the New York City Transit Authority is raising the subway fare to $1.50, the Columbia Athletic Department must be worried that students and fans will be even more unwilling to travel the 100 plus blocks to see the mighty Lions lose. And ya know, that's a cryin' shame, because this Astro-Turf is looking mighty fine! To prove just how generous the Penn Band is, we are willing to chip in that first extra quarter for the fare hike.

BAND FORMS: (a quarter)
BAND PLAYS: "Free Ride"

After 24 straight wins, it gets pretty boring trouncing these Ivy and Patriot League patsies. On behalf of the Quaker football team, the Penn Band would like to completely overstep its bounds and issue a challenge to play the local NFL teams. Next week, Franklin Field! On second thought, the Jets and the Giants aren't much of a challenge at all. After all, Fordham was favored by a touchdown over the Jets last week.

BAND FORMS: 24…
BAND PLAYS: "All I Need Is a Miracle"

The Penn Band would like to thank the Columbia Athletic Department for permitting us to perform our first away half-time show. If their band was the only other available entertainment, we'd let us perform too. In honor of the Ivy Band Agreement, please rise for the Red and Blue.

BAND FORMS: U P
BAND PLAYS: "Red & Blue"

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William & Mary (away), October 14, 1995

DIALOGUE: Ladies and gentlemen… Presenting the huge, the enormous, the well-endowed, undefeated Ivy League champion, University of Pennsylvania oxymoronic fighting Quaker Marching Band.

Under the direction of: Greer Cheeseman, Drum Major Kushol Gupta, Assistant Drum Major Andy Bosshard and the Executive Board: President Jason Pollack, Vice President Melissa Kaplan Treasurer Trish Quarmby and Secretary Ilena Olster.

BAND FORMS: P
BAND PLAYS: "Fight On, Pennsylvania"

(scrambling)

BAND FORMS: Q
BAND PLAYS: "Cheer, Pennsylvania"

DIALOGUE: And today's Highball Toast goes to: (Short toast to be written the day of the game.)

BAND FORMS: (highball glass)
BAND PLAYS: "Drink a Highball"

(scrambling)

BAND FORMS: U P
BAND PLAYS: "University of Pennsylvania Band March"

DIALOGUE: Please rise for the Alma Mater of the University of Pennsylvania.

BAND FORMS: BEN
BAND PLAYS: "Hail Pennsylvania"

DIALOGUE: Please remain standing for The Red and Blue

BAND FORMS: (big P)
BAND PLAYS: "Red & Blue"

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Brown (home), October 21, 1995

There once was a freshman, a dreamer
Who got into Smoke's for a Screamer
Woke up not sober
A little hung over
And threw up on Mom and Dad's Beamer.

BAND FORMS: HI MOM
BAND PLAYS: "Budweiser Theme"

This year we've received lots of press
Two schools we failed to impress
Those unfunny hicks
Put on some fat chicks
But we'd rather see Greer in a dress.

BAND FORMS: XXXL
BAND PLAYS: "Dude Looks Like a Lady"

Penn's BYOB really stinks
We've gotta leave campus to drink
We go to a bar
Get hit by a car
But sir, we're all twenty-one, "wink, wink."

BAND FORMS: BYOB
BAND PLAYS: "Taking It To the Streets"

Family Weekend, there's nothing to do
So our folks came to entertain you
They ran on the field
With us formed the shield
Please rise for the Red and the Blue.

BAND FORMS: (the shield)
BAND PLAYS: "Red & Blue"

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Yale (away), October 28, 1995

As the Penn Band entered Connecticut this weekend, we saw signs pointing us towards New Haven, the home of the 1995 World Special Olympics. We also heard that Bill Clinton, a Yale Law alum, was present at the games. We're just curious - What did he compete in? And did he beat George Bush again?

BAND FORMS: BILL
BAND PLAYS:"Olympic Fanfare"

The Penn Band would like to wish you all a Happy Halloween - The time when scary things come out at night. And speaking of scary things that come out at night, how about those Yale women? I'd rather date a Harvard freshman or Handsome Dan, the bulldog.

BAND FORMS: WOOF
BAND PLAYS: Theme from "The Addams Family"

Last year, the Penn Band was informed that jokes about New Haven just aren't that funny. Students claimed that there's a thriving arts community, a plethora of theaters and beautiful spacious parks. However, upon arrival, we found a thriving roach community, a plethora of drive-bys and beautiful spacious park...ing lots. As a matter of fact, we couldn't find anything redeeming about this city. It almost as bad as Ithaca!

BAND FORMS: YUCK
BAND PLAYS: "Cayuga's Waters"

On behalf of our illustrious President, Jason Pollack, the Penn Band would like to enter a plea for his prompt admission to the Yale Law School. See, he's also applying to Penn and we don't want to have to deal with him for another three years. So please, PLEASE, accept him. As Jason gets down on his knees, please rise for the Red and the Blue.

BAND FORMS: (a circle around Jason, who is kneeling)
BAND PLAYS: "Red & Blue"

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Princeton (home), November 4, 1995

Band enters field by running onto field and lying down in the word PENNSYLVANIA . After halt is called, band beings scrambling. Trumpets assemble near bottom of field, as voice reads:

Normally, at home games, we, the Penn Band enjoy poking fun at our own illustrious institution. But Princeton's in town, so LET'S GET READY……TO RUMBLE!!!!!

Band keeps scrambling, except for trumpets, who play the intro to the Rocky Theme. When music begins, Band members pretend to be boxers. Voice for rest of show will be read as an announcer at a boxing match.

In the away corner, weighing in at 30 tons of pocket protection, with the athletic ability of a three legged pregnant cow, wearing orange and black argyle socks and matching cardigans, Princeton 'I was rejected from Harvard' University!!

BAND FORMS: DORKS
BAND PLAYS: Theme from &Mission Impossible"

And in the home corner, weighed down by all our Ivy titles, with the athletic ability of Ira Bowman, in the blue sweaters with the red trim and those sexy white polyester pants, the Roving Riot, the Masters of Disaster, the Musical Barbarians, the Marching Madness, University of Pennsylvania 'We turned down Harvard' Fighting Quaker Marching Band!!!!

BAND FORMS: BAND
BAND PLAYS: "Rock and Roll Part II"

We all know what the outcome of this match would be. Quite frankly, we're stronger, we dress better, we look maaahhhhvelous, and gosh darnit, our fans like us.

BAND FORMS: KO
BAND PLAYS: "Celebration"

Band then runs into two lines, and spells Penn in script. This year, we will run the 'Pe' from one side and the 'nn' from the other side, as the script Penn usually takes forever. Greer will probably write some sort of speech about the 25th anniversary of women on the field. Should be pretty straight forward, but we'll run it by you as soon as we speak to Lynne Leopold-Sharpe (an alum who is helping us with the 25th anniversary) and decide exactly what we want to say.

BAND FORMS: (script Penn)
BAND PLAYS: "Red & Blue"

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Harvard (away), November 11, 1995

PLEASE NOTE: The two shows listed here are the show we wanted to perform, and the show we actually performed. For each joke, the original script is shown first.

The Penn Band recently obtained the brand new application for admission to Harvard University, newly revised for the class of 2000. Notable changes include these questions:

Question #4: Have you recently disposed of a family member?
Question 8Q: Are you cuckoo..... for Cocoa Puffs?
Question 12: Are you planning on living on campus?
Question 12A: If so, do you feel you have a propensity towards injuring your roommate?
Question 12B: If you do feel you have the ability to maim your roommate, will you do the same to yourself?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, please forward your application to the Tufts Admissions Office.

BAND FORMS: HI MA
BAND PLAYS: "Another One Bites the Dust"

The Penn Band recently obtained the brand new application for admission to Harvard University, newly revised for the class of 2000. Notable changes include these questions:

Question #4 Do you like the new blue M & M's?
Question #8Q: Are you cuckoo..... for Cocoa Puffs?
Question #12: Have you ever had your application pulled from two other Ivy League institutions?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, please forward your application to the Tufts Admissions Office.

BAND FORMS: NEG
BAND PLAYS: "Another One Bites the Dust"

After you send in your application, assuming you didn't decide to go to Yale instead, here are some tips for your interview.

First: Don't eat beans before the interview.
Second: When asked who your heroes are, Charles Manson, Lizzie Borden and the Menendez brothers are all poor answers.
And under no circumstances, should you bring your machete collection with you. Leave it home in mom, I mean, with mom.

BAND FORMS: LYLE (change) ERIC
BAND PLAYS: "Mack the Knife"

After you send in your application, assuming you didn't decide to go to Yale instead, here are some tips for your interview.

First: Don't eat beans before the interview
Second: When asked who your heroes are, Charles Manson, Lizzie Borden and the Menendez brothers are all poor answers.

And under no circumstances, should you bring your machete collection with you. Leave it home in m.. err, with mom.

BAND FORMS: LYLE (change) ERIC
BAND PLAYS: "Mack the Knife"

Assuming you didn't decide to go to a school that has actually won a football game, class selection is your next step. Here are some of your choices:

Cutlery 202: Knives: They're not just for cooking anymore (The prerequisite for this class is Cutlery 101:Silverware or a 5 on the AP Kitchen exam)
Criminology 33: The machete, your friend
Forestry 55: Axe grinding
and brand new this semester, Legal Studies 104: Hiding the bloody glove, with guest lecturer Dr. Orenthal James Simpson.

BAND FORMS: (a gallows)
BAND PLAYS: Theme from "Naked Gun"

Assuming you didn't decide to go to a school that has actually won a football game, class selection is your next step. Here are some of your choices:

Cutlery 202: Knives: They're not just for cooking anymore (The prerequisite for this class is Cutlery 101:Silverware or a 5 on the AP Kitchen exam)
Criminology 33: The machete, your friend
Forestry 55: Axe grinding
and brand new this semester, Legal Studies 104: Hiding the bloody glove, with guest lecturer Dr. Orenthal James Simpson.

BAND FORMS: OJ
BAND PLAYS: Theme from "Naked Gun"

Since you got rejected from Penn, you might as well take advantage of some of the sites that Harvard has to offer: Harvard Square, the Hong Kong cafe and those fabulous Scorpion Bowls, and the spot of the Boston Massacre, the Harvard dorms. As the Penn Band beats a dead horse, please rise for the Red and the Blue.

BAND FORMS: 911
BAND PLAYS: "Red & Blue"

Since you got rejected from Penn, you might as well take advantage of some of the sites that Harvard has to offer: Harvard Square, the Hong Kong cafe and those fabulous Scorpion Bowls, and the multiple spots of the Boston Massacre. As the Penn Band beats a dead horse, please rise for the Red and the Blue.

BAND FORMS: 911
BAND PLAYS: "Red & Blue"

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Cornell (home), November 18, 1995

Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen and welcome to Franklin Field. We'd like to welcome all the members of the Philadelphia law enforcement agency for protecting our fragile goalposts here today. Here it is, late football season, going into Quaker hoops season. So much of the half-time music you've heard so far today has from the only high school band in the Ivy League. Now you'll get a chance to hear master bandsmen practicing their craft. So today, ladies and gentlemen, while we still can, let us welcome, from Murphy's Tavern, the biggest baddest band in West Philadelphia, the PENN BAND!!

BAND FORMS: CHS
BAND PLAYS: "I Can't Turn You Loose"

In 1995 a crack commando band was sent to prison by the Athletic Department for the murder of a stuffed tiger. This band promptly escaped from the fierce security of Franklin Field to the Philadelphia underground. Today, still wanted by the ASPCA, it survives as the most entertaining band in the Ivy League. If you have a halftime, if no one else will play, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire..... the Penn Band.

BAND FORMS: PITY (change) FOO
BAND PLAYS: Theme from "The A-Team"

A long time ago, at a campus far far away, a river carved a gorge through a small village called Ithaca. A bridge was built across this gorge to facilitate travel from one side of the gorge to the other. However, a tyrannical empire failed to provide students with an instruction manual on its use. Thus dozens of students, rather than using the bridge properly, have instead used it as a form of stress release.

BAND FORMS: (the gorge)
BAND PLAYS: Theme from "Star Wars"

(scrambling)

BAND FORMS: (the gorge)
BAND PLAYS: "Red & Blue"