Tonight is the first night game in 10 years for Penn Football. As the festivities will be letting out quite late, the Penn Band would like to offer you some safety tips for your walk home from Franklin Field. First, make sure to avoid all out of control escort vans since drivers tend to mistake the gas pedal for the brake. Second, make sure to be extra nice to the campus cops on bicycles because they’re now packing some serious heat. Finally, when you reach your dorms, don’t forget to wake up the security guard so he can swipe your card. So while we’re all safe and secure in the friendly confines of Franklin Field, please rise for the Red and Blue as we honor the Class of 2000.

BAND FORMS:
BAND PLAYS: "Red & Blue"

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Bucknell (away), October 5, 1996

The intention of the Penn Band, when we first arrived at Bucknell, was to poke fun at the Lewisburg crime scene. But since the most odious crime in town was an overweight truck on one of the local bridges, we decided to bring you the Penn Band’s Where Are They Now, the Olympic Edition.

BAND FORMS: USA
BAND PLAYS: "Olympic Fanfare"

Who can forget Kerri Strug, the young gymnast who captured the hearts of the Olympic audience this past summer. After Kerri’s stunning performance on Beverly Hills 90210, a deeply moved George Lucas, in his never ending quest for cinematic talent, has now cast her as the voice of Darth Vader in the newest Star Wars trilogy. "Luke, I am your father." (to be said in Kerri Strug voice)

BAND FORMS: JEDI
BAND PLAYS: "Imperial March"

On the slightly more infamous side of Olympic history, there’s Tonya Harding. The band has received word that after being banished from the ice skating community, Tonya spends her days and nights eating ho-hos in front of her 48 inch television, cursing that damn Nancy Kerrigan on her lucrative world tour. As for her boyfriend/pipe wielding henchman, Jeff Galooly, he was last seen wandering in and out of apartments on 6th street asking students if they had any "marijuana."

BAND FORMS: PIPE
BAND PLAYS: "Who Can It Be Now"

And what about Carl Lewis? Since he missed his opportunity in the '96 Olympic games, the Penn Band has some new events in which he can compete to win his elusive tenth gold medal. He can join Ben Johnson in the 100 meter drug run. Or, he can compete with Donovan Bailey and Michael Johnson in the 150 meter dash, also know as the race to determine the world’s fastest ego. For an event which he can not lose, he could join Penn fans across Lewisburg and rise for the Red and the Blue.

BAND FORMS: EGO
BAND PLAYS: "Red & Blue"

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Columbia (home), October 12, 1996

The Penn Band has decided to put you, the fans, to the test in honor of the nationwide standardized tests which are being held this weekend. Proctors will be enforcing the following rules: First, you must use a number 2 pencil. Make sure to erase pencil marks completely. Please refrain from feeding the animals. Absolutely no flash photography will be permitted during the test. Use only the scratch paper that has been provided to you. Be sure to keep arms and legs inside the ride at all times. And above all, don’t cheat off the kid next to you. Besides, he’s from Columbia so why would you want to?

BAND FORMS: No. 2
BAND PLAYS: "Get Ready For This"

Now that you have been made aware of the rules, we will proceed. In preparation for the analogy section of the GREs, the we would like to read you a few samples.

• First, Romeo is to Juliet as Kermit is to Miss Piggy

• Second, Milli Vanilli is to singing as Baywatch is to acting.

• Third, Saddam Hussein is to popular world leader as Macarena is to popular dance song.

• And last, Columbia is to Ivy League Championship as Ross Perot is to President.

BAND FORMS: AS IF
BAND PLAYS: "All I Need Is a Miracle"

Now we move on to the LSAT portion of our exam. Resolve the paradox. Sally was a bright high school student. She applied to 2 different schools, Columbia and Penn. Sally was accepted to both institutions. Sally decided to attend Columbia. Resolve the apparent paradox in this situation.

• A. Sally is an total nut job.

• B. Sally is quite taken with scenic Harlem.

• C. Sally is obviously not an athlete.

• D. Sally was afraid she just couldn’t cut it at an Ivy League school.

• E. All of the above.

BAND FORMS: E
BAND PLAYS: "Think"

We, the Penn Band, would like to end this test with a final question. Suppose train A leaves 30th Street Station at 9am, heading towards Columbia University at 60 miles per hour. At the same time, train B leaves Penn Station bound for the University of Pennsylvania, traveling at 70 miles per hour. If the distance between the two points is 90 miles, at what point will the two trains pass? And at what time will they reach their respective destinations? The answer to this question is blatantly obvious. Why, in the name of all that’s good and holy, would anyone get on a train going to Columbia? So for the smart ones who took train B, please rise for the Red and the Blue.

BAND FORMS: ?
BAND PLAYS: "Red & Blue"

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Lehigh (home), October 19, 1996

With the presidential election approaching quickly, the Penn Band would like to offer its opinions on the candidates. Bob Dole concerns us for one major reason - he’s a bit old. Maybe that’s why he keeps referring to himself as Bob Dole - he’s afraid he’ll forget his name. And why didn’t he choose a running mate from his generation? We in the Penn Band have a suggestion.

BAND FORMS: OLD
BAND PLAYS: Theme from "The Flintstones"

So what about Ross Perot? We can understand why he’s whining so much about being left out of the presidential debates. After all, he always wins in one state, that being Florida. And just why is he so popular in Florida, you ask? Because he’s got those big buccaneers. (Say the last part fast)

BAND FORMS: (Mickey Mouse Head)
BAND PLAYS: "Mickey Mouse March"

Clinton is so far ahead in the polls and very confident he will be serving a second term. His administration has taken the opportunity to propose Clinton’s top five priorities during his next four years in the White House.

Priority number five: He will create a limitless supply of solar energy by reflecting light off his pasty white thighs.

Number four: He will eat every single item on the McDonald’s menu in three seconds flat. Three: In past years, other candidates have promised a chicken in every pot but Clinton promises pot for every chick.

Two: He will call up Rush Limbaugh for a month after he’s re-elected and yell out "You want a piece of me, fat boy? Come on and get it!"

And Clinton’s top priority during his second term is to start dating again.

BAND FORMS: PREZ
BAND PLAYS: "Just a Gigolo (I Ain't Got Nobody)"

So the choices are Bob, Ross or Bill. Hmmm... Not much of a selection. Instead of picking the lesser of three evils, the Penn Band would like to suggest another candidate. Our proposed candidate is dignified, intelligent and tough on crime. As we unveil the name of our suggested candidate, please rise for her theme song.

BAND FORMS: JUDY
BAND PLAYS: "Red & Blue"

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Brown (away), October 26, 1996

It has recently come to the attention of the Penn Band that the Brown Athletic Department, referred to as BAD, has hired Strategic Marketing Associates, or SMA, to improve the image of Brown Athletics. Now, it is obvious that the BAD director didn’t go to Wharton. Had he gone to the number one business school in the nation, he would have realized that you have to have a product before you can try a marketing strategy.

BAND FORMS: SMA?
BAND PLAYS: "Taking Care of Business*quot;

So why did Brown pick SMA you might ask? Because of their illustrious clientele of course! One of their most well know success stories is US Major League soccer. And look how well that’s taken off. So if SMA is half as successful with Brown as it was with soccer, Brown can look forward to becoming a household name like New Coke and Crystal Pepsi.

BAND FORMS: MLS
BAND PLAYS: "High Hopes"

Among the ideas SMA came up with was changing the brand of hot dogs sold in the concession stands. That’s sure to pack them in the stadium. Now, we in the Penn Band aren’t marketing experts, but we do know that if your team can’t score any points, you had better be giving away filet mignon. At the Brown-Yale game, we heard a free car was given to the person who managed to hit a target with a football. Obviously, it wasn’t the Brown quarterback who won.

BAND FORMS: BAD
BAND PLAYS: "The Wiener Song"

The Penn Band would like to take this opportunity to welcome Brown Parents to Providence this weekend. We hope you’ve enjoyed these past couple of days touring campus and attending classes with your children. But don’t worry, you weren’t being graded. And neither are your children. So in honor of a school that gets the grades and the first downs, please rise for the Red and the Blue.

BAND FORMS: P/F
BAND PLAYS: "Red & Blue"

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Yale (home), November 2, 1996

Due to downsizing and budget constraints, the Penn Band has come up with a brilliant money making scheme - The Penn Band Cable Service. Here’s a preview of what you can see with our new service. As with any start-up network, our first shows are those ever-lucrative infomercials. And our first one is from the PFN, or Psychic Friends Network. Here’s a transcript from the first show:

Caller: Hi, it’s Bill Clinton. Could I speak with the spirit of FDR, please?

FDR: February 10, 1934 - a day that will live in infamy.

Clinton: That’s not Pearl Harbor Day - what is the significance of that day?

FDR: That was the last day that I found Eleanor attractive.

BAND FORMS: PFN
BAND PLAYS: "Dude Looks Like a Lady"

The Penn Band Cable Service even offers its own evangelist, the Reverend Dr. JP Swafay. Let us lift your spirits with a portion from this week’s sermon entitled, I have seen the light and it came off a tuba. "Brothers and Sisters, I stand before you a humble man, a man of the Lord. He has spoke upon me to heed his call that on the seventh day, contrary to popular belief, The Lord, he did not rest, He made the Band. And it was good. The band doesn’t need your prayers. They don’t need your compassion. They need your money."

BAND FORMS: PRAY
BAND PLAYS: "Soul Man"

For those of you interested in nature documentaries you won’t want to miss Wild West Philadelphia. This week, our show is shot live on location in the heart of the Penn campus. "Through the safety of our blind in the broken button, we can see all that goes on in the vast savanna of the College Green. Now we see a flock of freshman females, notorious for their ignorance and naivet‚, wandering aimlessly. Suddenly, a pride of fraternity brothers appear out of nowhere. The flock immediately scatters to reduce casualties but the weak and the easy are left to fall prey to the pride’s voracious appetite. Those that survive will regroup at the local watering hole."

BAND FORMS: PREY
BAND PLAYS: "The Magnificent Seven"

We hope you have enjoyed this preview of the shows that can only be found on our cable service. In addition to these Penn Band Originals, you will find that we also carry many shows that are in syndication. Sit back in your easy chair and grab the remote as we channel surf through a few of these: and now the frugal gourmet with guest Dr. Judith Rodin…"the beauty of this recipe is versatility. It can be a breakfast, lunch, dinner or midnight snack. If you’re feeling daring you can make it with chunky peanut butter or you can cut the crusts off. CLICK. Next on Star Trek Spruce Street Nine…CLICK. Take about a quarter inch of the titanium white with a half inch of burnt sienna. Mix well. Using the fan brush make strong strokes and we’re going to do some happy little kiosks. CLICK. Tomorrow on Jerry Springer our guests will be fraternity brothers who wish they were sorority sisters. CLICK. Coming up on NYPD Red and Blue. CLICK. Good afternoon boys and girls. Welcome to Mr. Chodorow’s neighborhood. Today we’ll be taking a trip to the Wawa. Won’t you be my neighbor? CLICK. "huh huh…Princeton sucks." Thank you for joining us for our preview of the Penn Band Cable Service. We look forward to your subscriptions. Don’t forget to tune in; same Penn time, same Penn stations. As we sign off, please rise for the Red and the Blue.

BAND FORMS: PENN
BAND PLAYS: "Red & Blue"

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Princeton (away), November 9, 1996

The Penn Band would like to thank the historical College of New Jersey for inviting us to its Bicensquaquadrinary. We at Penn would like to welcome you to the elite group of schools who have celebrated our 250th anniversaries. That’s what that big word means. If you youngsters need any advice - just ask. Remember, we’re here to help.

BAND FORMS: 250
BAND PLAYS: "Happy Birthday"

Unfortunately, we cannot be joined here today by the only surviving member of the original faculty. Much to our chagrin, he has moved on to the Sacramento Kings where he is busy speeding up their offense. His last prot‚g‚, Brian Earl, tried following in the footsteps of his mentor by also getting out of the College of New Jersey. He came up with a list of 30 schools that were better than CNJ. Now I know what you’re thinking...only 30?! Needless to say, Penn was at the top of his list. But Penn doesn’t recognize Trenton State credits.

BAND FORMS: TSC (change) CNJ
BAND PLAYS: "High Hopes"

Speaking of Trenton State, the Penn Band can only assume that the name change confused the football teams most of all. It seems like all your promising new recruits, that were brought in to keep the Ivy League Championship at Princeton, have ended up at Trenton State. Why else would you have lost to Colgate? In honor of a school that isn’t in the middle of an identity crisis, please rise for the Red and the Blue

BAND FORMS: WHO?
BAND PLAYS: "Red & Blue"

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Harvard (home), November 16, 1996

It seems Harvard has fallen from grace
What a shame that they fell on their face
Took a dive in the ranking
Received quite a spanking
And now they are stuck in third place.

BAND FORMS: DIVE
BAND PLAYS: "Another One Bites the Dust"

Penn’s college hoops season is here
Other Ivy League schools must have fear
We have a good chance
To make the big dance
A victory celebration is near.

BAND FORMS: HOOPS
BAND PLAYS: "Rock and Roll Part II"

We’re so glad our parents are here
We consider our time with them dear
But tomorrow they’ll leave
We’ll get a reprieve
And start spending their money on beer.

BAND FORMS: KEG
BAND PLAYS: "Beer Barrel Polka"

As the final half-time show of the 1996 football season comes to a close, we would like to take a moment to do one of those self-congratulatory deals that every group does and honor our graduating seniors. Words cannot adequately express our heartfelt thanks to these people (and it’s a good thing, because we’re running out of time). So, to our departing seniors, we offer these words of encouragement: graduate, do well, be happy and send money so we can stay in hotels like everyone else does.

BAND FORMS: 1997
BAND PLAYS: "Red & Blue"

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Cornell (away), November 23, 1996

Hello Mother,
Hello Father,
Greetings from Camp Cayuga’s Waters
It’s really lame here.
Penn is better.
I wish I’d gotten their acceptance letter.

BAND FORMS: CAMP
BAND PLAYS: "Far Above Cayuga's Waters"

We at Penn have a strong tradition of innovative interdisciplinary programs such as international studies in business, management and technology, business and law, and cognitive science. Cornell has followed our lead and tried to create a similar academic atmosphere with less than stellar success. While we applaud their efforts we wonder what are the benefits of combining agriculture and hotel management? We don’t think it’s advisable for Cornellians to combine their academics with their social lives.

BAND FORMS: MOO
BAND PLAYS: "Rawhide"

The Penn Band would like to admit that we love the Cornell band, the only real high school marching band in the Ivy League. Speaking of high school, what’s the deal with the gym requirement? After taking a gander at the course roster, we found a diverse selection of courses that fulfill the requirement such as bowling, badminton, synchronized swimming, rock climbing, three legged relay races, tag team speed snow shoveling, cow tipping, hotel management and animal husbandry and the most popular one, men’s varsity basketball.

BAND FORMS: GYM
BAND PLAYS: "Bugler's Dream (Olympic Fanfare)"

We at Penn have a serious question: why in the name of all that’s good and holy would anyone go to Cornell? Could it be their ranking within the Ivy League? Ummm...no. Or the success of their athletic programs? Not likely. Or maybe their status as a state school? Nope. Could it be the stress-free environment? No. Perhaps it is vibrant Ithaca? Ehhhhhh. Maybe the temperate climate? Uh...no again. Gee, there really is no reason to go to Cornell. Oh well, let’s pretend you all got into Penn and rise for the Red and the Blue.

BAND FORMS: WHY?
BAND PLAYS: "Red & Blue"