Dartmouth (home), September 20, 1997

The Penn Band would like to welcome everyone to Youth Day at Franklin Field! Today is the time we appreciate…(pause) youths. Of course, the home opener has not always had so successful a theme. Here are some other, less successful, ideas:

• Smoking appreciation day: Get a free pack at the door and look for the special appearance by Joe Camel!!

• Liquor Control Enforcement Bureau Day: Boy, did the fraternities love this one!!

• Food Truck appreciation day: Sponsored by Le Ahn’s, the real Le Ahn’s, and the original Le Ahn’s.

• Taco Bell Memorial Day: (SOB!) I’m sorry, I just can’t talk about this one.

• Deferred Maintenance Day: Why build today what you can put off until sometime in the next millennium?

BAND FORMS: WE (change) "heart" (change) YOU
BAND PLAYS: "Happy Days Are Here Again"

At this time, the Penn band would like to welcome the new class of freshmen to the University of Pennsylvania. Of course, you’ll be under a lot of stress in the coming year, so we decided to put together a list of useful numbers for you to remember:

7: the current U.S. News and National Report Ranking for the two schools here today.
1-900-HOT … Oh, wait, this is the wrong list!!
100: The age, in years, of the University of Pennsylvania Marching Band!
4 inches: The size of the roach that attacked the show writing committee while writing this script.
511: The number we called to deal with said roach!
3.141592: The average number of hook-ups per student which occurred during freshman orientation

BAND FORMS:PI
BAND PLAYS: "I Get Around"

But the list doesn’t stop there! Here are some more important numbers to keep in your date books:

3.8: the GPA your parents expect you to make this first semester.
2.2: the GPA you come crying home with come winter break.
853: the amount, in dollars, you will spend on your books.
20: The amount, in dollars, you will get back when you sale those books.
8 minutes, 3 seconds: The amount of time Provost Stanley Choodrow scheduled for his freshman convocation speech.
3 hours, 14 minutes, 34 seconds: The amount of time it seemed that Provost Stanley Choodrow was talking when presenting his freshman convocation speech!
And last but not least, 2001: The year most of you freshmen think you will graduate!

BAND FORMS:2001
BAND PLAYS: "Thus Sprach Zarathustra"

For our final bit of friendly advice today, the Penn Band would like to review Dartmouth’s Alma Mater. What follows are some quotes from the song and what we have to say about them:

Dear old Dartmouth, give a rouse
For the College on a hill,
For the Lone Pine above her,

First of all, what’s a rouse? Maybe it’s me, but you guys like SAT words a _bit_ too much. Secondly, who in the world is the Lone Pine, and what is she doing above your campus? Do you sick Northern people _enjoy_ watching some poor and lonely tree fly about all day? However, let’s continue:

They have the still North in their hearts,
The hill winds in their veins,
And the granite of New Hampshire
In their muscles and their brains.

If you have the still North in your hearts and the hill winds in your brain, aren’t you kind of cold? Couldn’t you make room for some "tranquil space heater of the mountains?" Also, maybe the Penn Band doesn’t know too much about Alma Maters, but we do know that it’s not such a good idea to mention those rocks in your brains. Of course, the Penn Band does not expect Dartmouth to take our suggestions seriously, so maybe they will follow our example and get a real school song. Speaking of which, everyone please rise for the Red and Blue.

BAND FORMS: U P
BAND PLAYS: "Red & Blue"

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Bucknell (away), September 27, 1997

The Penn Band has noticed a disturbing trend for Hollywood to recycle old movies into mediocre, big budget productions. The following is a list of sequels the Penn Band implores the upper echelons of Hollywood, in all the name that is good and holy, NOT to make:

• Driving Miss Daisy II: Mrs. Daisy goes to the space-station MIR!

• The English Patient II: The Canadian Patient.

• Beavis and Butthead II: Heh, heh, this movie still has no plot.

• Thelma and Louise II: They had parachutes!

• Dirty Dancing II: Jennifer Gray now learns The Macarena, The Electric Slide, and the Cabbage Patch.

• Out of Africa II: Stuck in customs.

• Mission Impossible II: Piece of Cake.

And last but not least: Batman and Robin...oh wait, never mind.

BAND FORMS: II
BAND PLAYS: Theme from "Batman"

Of course, the Penn Band didn't spend the entire summer at the movies. We spent lots of time clubbing. One thing we learned was: HOW TO SHAKE OUR BOOTIES!! Now, Bucknell, wouldn't you like to see the Penn Band dance? Oh well, too bad.

BAND FORMS: NO!
BAND PLAYS: "Twilight Zone"

Well, maybe Hollywood won't be knocking down our doors and Dick Clark's American Bandstand can do without us. And obviously, we won't be the ones to make Saturday Night Live Funny Again. I guess the only thing we have left is our music.

BAND FORMS: SUN
BAND PLAYS: "House of the Rising Sun"

As you in the audience may or may not know, the Penn Band has the distinction of celebrating its 100th anniversary this year. While we are congratulating ourselves, we would like to acknowledge other people and things that have reached this milestone. Here's some other things turning 100 this year:

• Jell-O

• Grant's tomb

• "Stars and Stripes Forever" by John Phillip Sousa

• People born in 1897

• Dow Chemical Company

• Half the Penn Band's jokes

In honor of our 100th anniversary, please rise for the Red and Blue.

BAND FORMS: 100
BAND PLAYS: "Red & Blue"

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Towson State (home), October 4, 1997

The Penn Band was recently distressed to hear some complaints revolving around the University's UC BRITE program. The Penn Band cannot find anything wrong with this momentous project. In fact, we can even see some benefits and would like to point out some of the better features:

• First of all, while it may be true that the new lights overwhelm the smaller blue lights attached to emergency phones, we can now see our attacker for at least 100 feet.

• Secondly, we can now play ultimate frisbee 24 hours a day!!! Well, we can play it until the police break up the match.

• Finally, we can now see all those deferred maintenance signs… Gee, those things are pretty. Maybe if someone in charge would put down the crayons and actually (gasp!!) finish a project, we would have something to look at.

BAND FORMS: SEE
BAND PLAYS: "I Can See Clearly Now"

While we are on the subject of construction, it's good to see so much progress on Sansom Commons. Now, instead of a parking lot, we can see lots and lots of… dirt. However, the many holes dug in the ground are quite striking. The Penn Band does have one question: When will you, you know, build something? Here's a suggestion: Put down the coffee, stop harassing the females on campus, and do some work!!

BAND FORMS: WORK
BAND PLAYS: "Taking Care of Business"

Of course, the Penn Band should acknowledge the progress the University has made. We can now stroll down Locust Walk, sit in the new seats here at Franklin Field, and have class in beautiful College Hall. However, could we encourage that the Perlman Quad be completed with more speed than the rest of campus? The Penn Band is celebrating its 100th anniversary this year, and we would love to inaugurate the new amphitheater before our 200th anniversary!

BAND FORMS: SOON
BAND PLAYS: "Celebration"

Finally, to finish our construction themed show, we would like to present the one thing that need not be renovated... Well, except to make it more politically correct. So, come all ye loyal classmates now and rise for the Red and Blue.

BAND FORMS: MEN?
BAND PLAYS: "Red & Blue"

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Lehigh (away), October 11, 1997

The Penn Band would like to start things off today by congratulating Lehigh on its stellar retention rates this past year. Through your innovative programs, you now keep 93% of your first-year students. Gee, it seems that chaining students to their dorm rooms really is effective.

BAND FORMS: 93
BAND PLAYS: "Jailhouse Rock"

This is, of course, the University of Pennsylvania's fall break, a time for relaxation and preparation for the rest of the semester. But what do engineers (or former engineers) do with their breaks? After extensive research, we have discovered the following activities:

• 24 hour QUAKE marathons!

• Slide-Rule aerobics.

• Justifying their lives as engineers by mocking those people with a social life.

• One word, STAR-TREK-MARATHON. Hyphenated.

• Rehearsing what they would say if they ever (GASP!) talked to a girl who didn't charge by the minute.

• And the most popular fall break activity is boasting about the number of dates they had this weekend… yeah, whatever

BAND FORMS: NOT
BAND PLAYS: "I Get Around"

On the subject of this restful and holiday packed weekend, the Penn Band would like to take the time to recognize truly American holidays which have been bastardized by other countries. Let's see, there's the tropic island of Guam's attempt to copy our Groundhog Day with their own "Sea Monkey Day." If the Sea Monkey dies, then it's another 6 months of summer! Next there is Australian Independence Day. That's when all the aussies celebrate that big step away from prison and towards citizenship. Finally, there's Canada's version of our Thanksgiving Day named creatively "Canadian Thanksgiving." Hey Canada, what do you have to be thankful for, eh?

BAND FORMS: ?
BAND PLAYS: "Celebration"

Speaking of celebrations, the Penn Band would like to announce our Centennial this year. That's right, we've been gracing the world with our own style of silly jokes and great music for about a century now. However, there is no song we like better than our very own school song. With that in mind, please rise for the Red and Blue.

BAND FORMS: C
BAND PLAYS: "Red & Blue"

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Columbia (away), October 18, 1997

The Penn Band would like to congratulate those who made their dreams come true. One example is the brilliant Steven Hawkings who has overcome terrible physical adversity to become the Lucasian Chair at Cambridge University. Another is Jackie Robinson who was the first of many to overcome the racial divide in professional sports. However, we should not overlook George Rupp, who after receiving degrees from Princeton, Yale, and Harvard, now spends his time fulfilling his life-long ambition of doing community service work at an inner city school.

BAND FORMS: CU
BAND PLAYS: "Takin' It To the Streets"

Another man, Z.Y. Fu, has fulfilled his dream and did it the American way: he bought it. What was his dream? Why nothing short of owning his own Ivy League School!! Of course, he was a little short on change that day, so he had to settle for Columbia University. Don't compromise your dreams Fu!

BAND FORMS: FU
BAND PLAYS: "Just a Gigolo"

Speaking of settling for small and cheap, let's talk about the Columbia University Marching Band. Recently, the mighty CUMB was given the ultimatum to either improve the quality of their "music" (and we use the term loosely) or lose their place during home football half-times. The Penn Band would like to congratulate the Columbia Band on it's lofty aspirations.
"Do you think it'll work?"
"It'll take a miracle."
(to be read like the lines from The Princess Bride)

BAND FORMS: NO
BAND PLAYS: "All I Need Is a Miracle"

Of course, we realize that Columbia band's dream cannot come true, but let's not dwell on the failures of others. Instead, let's look at one of the greatest success stories of the past century: Us! In honor of the Penn Band during its Centennial anniversary, please rise for the Red and Blue.

BAND FORMS: 100
BAND PLAYS: "Red & Blue"

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Brown (home), October 25, 1997

We welcome the parents to Penn,
It's so good to see you again.
We really need cash
to fill up our stash,
So could you please spot us a ten?

BAND FORMS: $$$
BAND PLAYS: "Big Spender"

Of course, we need so much more than money,
Our lack of good food just ain't funny.
I'm tired of Hill,
food trucks make me ill,
But Chats is the land of milk and honey.

BAND FORMS: CHATS
BAND PLAYS: "Bad Case of Loving You"

But overall life here is good,
Even though we live in the hood.
At least it's not so boring,
At Brown they are all snoring.
They'd all go to Penn if they could.

BAND FORMS: ZZZ
BAND PLAYS: "Rock-a-bye Baby"

This year we have something new,
Here's a tremendous surprise for you.
This Band ain't perennial,
This year's our Centennial.
So please rise for the Red and the Blue.

BAND FORMS: 99+1
BAND PLAYS: "Red & Blue"

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Yale (away), November 1, 1997

Good afternoon Yale and Happy All Saints day! This is, of course, that most wonderful day after Halloween during which we suffer from terrible disappointment over what some freak gave out last night. Some treats just don't make sense, like a sample packet of Woolite, or a boiled egg. Other things could be useful, like grenades for protecting yourself in New Haven. But some are downright disgusting, like a can of tuna or, to be really horrid, an acceptance letter to Yale. It's amazing, those cruel tricks people will play!

BAND FORMS: ICK
BAND PLAYS: "Games People Play"

Of course, Trick or Treaters have their own responsibilities. Some costumes just don't work. What about that time you came to the party as Marv Albert? And imagine if you came as the Spice Girls? Or even worse, the Hansons? What if no one could tell the difference? The only thing worse would to be dressed as a white and blue bulldog. Be careful when you answer that door!!!

BAND FORMS: WHO
BAND PLAYS: "Who Can It Be Now?"

Halloween is also the time to observe things we don't usually see. Just last night on the corner of York and Elm streets, the Penn Band saw some things we would never see except on the spookiest day of the year. In a span of two hours we saw a Yale athlete, a Yalie going on a date, and even a Yale student who didn't want to go to Harvard. As you'll agree, this really was a weird night. However, we soon learned that the scantily clad woman who frequented the corner was not unusual, in fact, she's a Yale alumna.

BAND FORMS: JOB
BAND PLAYS: "Down On the Corner"

As a final salute to that wonderful day of All Hollows Eve, the Penn Band would like to salute the 100th anniversary of Bram Stoker's Dracula. The Penn Band actually has something in common with this classic horror story. No, we don't drink blood like vampires, but we are as old as one. In honor of our Centennial, please rise for the Red and Blue.

BAND FORMS: BOO (change) 100
BAND PLAYS: "Red & Blue"

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Princeton (home), November 8, 1997

Ladies and Gentlemen: As the University, our Nation, and the Universe itself pauses to honor the 100th anniversary of the Penn Band, it is time for all of us to reflect: What if there were no Penn Band? The possibilities are staggering. It would be like a sorority chick without black pants, or the Daily Pennsylvanian without sub-par reporting, or a Wharton student without his Wall Street Journal, or of course the Red without the Blue.

BAND FORMS: PENN (change) BAND
BAND PLAYS: "I Got You (I feel Good)"

Seeing how important this organization is, the Penn band would now like to submit our demands… ah, requests, for our birthday. Why not buy Drexel and rename it "The Penn Band Campus?" Better yet, we want Judy Rodin to pop out of a cake!! Of course, if she isn't available, Provost Choodrow is interviewing for the position. What if we got our own restaurant in the new Sansom Commons called "Mad for Band?" Here's one: High Rise North, High Rise South, High Rise Band! Ok, Ok, that's a little unreasonable. This is our final offer, what about our own statue called "Dueling Bandos!"

BAND FORMS: 98 (change) 99 (change) 100
BAND PLAYS: "Rock & Roll Part II"

The voice will read the History of the Penn Band here.

BAND FORMS: (script Penn)
BAND PLAYS: "Red & Blue"

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Harvard (away), November 15, 1997

People always say that history repeats itself. The Penn Band asks, what if it really did? How about the Boston Keg Party to protest the outrageous cost of Sam Adams beer? Our what if Paul Revere had a voice messaging system: Press 1 if by land, press 2 if by sea. Well, at least we don't have to worry about a bunch of wealthy aristocratic snobs gathering in Cambridge… Oh, well, never mind.

BAND FORMS: OLD (change) NEW
BAND PLAYS: "Happy Days Are Here Again"

Of course, history can come back to haunt you. For example, the descendants of the Salem witches are now suing the Kingsford Charcoal company. The plaintiffs argue they were enflamed by their poor treatment at the hands of big business. Along the same lines, college students everywhere are blowing smoke over the modern day equivalent of the tea tax called the Reefer tax. Geez, it's getting so you can't have any fun these days.

BAND FORMS: POT
BAND PLAYS: "I Got You (I Feel Good)"

Of course, the more things change, the more they stay the same. While we can still say that "The only thing to fear is fear itself," we can now add nuclear weapons, drive-bys, and bad made-for-TV movies starring Tori Spelling to that list. Scary. And while the sun never set on the British Empire, Bill Gates has insured that the sun will never set on Microsoft's empire by buying the sun and giving 10 free minutes of "Ray-time" to all new Windows '97 owners.

BAND FORMS: SUN
BAND PLAYS: "Imperial March"

But let's not dwell on these minor historical events and instead focus on one of the most earth shattering events of American history: The creation of the Penn Band. How did the world ever get along without us? In honor of our 100th anniversary, please rise for the Red and Blue.

BAND FORMS: C&Eaigu;AD
BAND PLAYS: "Red & Blue"

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Cornell (home), November 22, 1997

This week the Penn Band wanted to create a show that all intelligent Ivy League students could understand. But we are playing Cornell, so we had to dumb it down a bit. So, Cornell, just try to keep up: We're the huge (that means big), the enormous (that also means big), the well-endowed (big again), oxymoronic (huh huh, he said moron), fighting Quaker (the Quakers were a peace-loving religious sect who founded Pennsylvania in the mid-1700's or yes, as the Cornell Band childishly pointed out, the guy on the cereal box), centennial (that means we were created only a few years after Cornell, and we still have more to show for it), Marching Band. To sum up: Penn is a well-planned institution of higher learning. Cornell is the educational equivalent of the Spice Girls.

BAND FORMS: D'OH
BAND PLAYS: "Think"

Let's continue with our lesson. Now we are going to look at opposites. Penn is NEAR. Cornell is FAR, from everything. The Penn Band has QUALITY. The Cornell Band has QUANTITY. And finally, Penn is a SUNNY IVY. Cornell is a CLOUDY SUNY. Come on now, even the obnoxious idiots in the Cornell Band can pick up on the pattern here.

BAND FORMS: PRO (change) CON
BAND PLAYS: "25 or 6 to 4"

Now it's STORYTIME!! (Band screams YAY!!) Once upon a time, in a dark and dreary land far, far, far away, a little fairy prince transferred from his Junior College team to Cornell's Basketball program. He had dreams of winning a n Ivy title for the BIG RED, but he soon encountered a young knight name MICHAEL JORDAN. Penn's number 23 soon reminded the fairy prince all about reality.

BAND FORMS: MIKE
BAND PLAYS: "Rock & Roll Part II"

Our time is about up this year, boys and girls. This season's shows were brough t to you by the letters P, B, and the number 100 with a special thanks to the fo llowing seniors:

• President Scott Levine

• Vice-President Chris Przybyszewski

• Adina Alpert

• Melissa Dahlberg

• Matt Dunn

• Mike Ernst

• Jennifer Kimball

• Ryan Pry

• Sarah Walters

• and in absentia, Bill Napier

In honor of these graduating seniors, please rise for the Red and the Blue.

BAND FORMS: 1998
BAND PLAYS: "Red & Blue"