Dartmouth (away), September 19, 1998

Hellooooooooo Hanover! Thank you for inviting us to the lush New Hampshire countryside. We always love visiting historic corners of the United States. Now we know what Philadelphia looked like in 1683. As a matter of fact, we've already had a taste of the two long-standing traditions of this town - visiting the petting zoo, and poking each other with sharp sticks. But since we couldn't see through the throng of people surrounding the ovine exhibit, we took a detour to Memorial Field to watch Penn beat the pants off Dartmouth.

BAND FORMS: BAA
BAND PLAYS: "Gimme Some Lovin'"

One thing we couldn't help but notice as the Dartmouth faithful poured into the stadium was the fact that many of you are wearing your big green number two with pride. That got us thinking. What is the significance of number 2? Was Dartmouth your second choice? Is your team second rate? Do you, the average Dartmouth student, think you'll ever get that second date? Or is it the number of times James Wright will be indicted for cow tipping this semester? Moooooooo…

BAND FORMS: MOO
BAND PLAYS: "Think"

This next joke is dedicated to Dartmouth's own Ned Holbrook. Not only does Ned deal masterfully with Dartmouth's rigorous curriculum, but in his spare time he had the vision that has created Dartmouth's 24 hour webcam. Not only can you get a continuous feed of the bustling social scene on the green and the busy library construction site, but you can also follow the police as they keep an eye out for students who may be chopping down the lone pine. In the words of Holbrook himself: "I don't know what other people use the webcam for, but it's fun to look at the bird feeder." Ned, you make Dartmouth proud.

BAND FORMS: A Pine Tree
BAND PLAYS: "Hold On I'm Coming"

Let's summarize: Sharp sticks, petting zoos, bird feeders, webcams, and chopping down the lone pine. What do all these have in common? We have no idea. Maybe you'll figure it out in the next four years. But until then, we'd like to leave you with some words of wisdom from the great Rodney Dangerfield: "Watch out for number 1, but don't step in number 2." With that, please rise for the Red and the Blue.

BAND FORMS: TWO
BAND PLAYS: "Red & Blue"

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Richmond (home), September 26, 1998

Entrance: Drums do quasi-military cadence under the Voice

It is a hot sticky afternoon. Along the west bank of the mighty Schuylkill River, the 101st Fighting Quaker Pennsylvania Regiment lead by the Swiss General Cheeseman holds fast against the tyrannical reign of the Spiders.

Snares do rim shots, various people fall while Voice continues

A furious battle ensues. Many fall. Each side sustains heavy losses. When the smoke clears, the 101st emerges victorious once again, just like we did 133 years ago in the war we like to refer to as the War of Southern Stupidity.

BAND FORMS: USA
BAND PLAYS: "Battle Hymn of the Republic"

In the aftermath of the battle, the land won by the 101st was quickly settled by herds of black pants-wearing carpetbaggers. They hailed from the distant lands of Long Island and New Jersey. During the ensuing Reconstruction period which the carpetbaggers dubbed "Deferred Maintenance" many new projects were started but none were ever finished. In the meantime, to justify the tuition levee, the carpetbaggers put together the 21st Century Housing System.

Band quickly forms a house then rescrambles while Voice is reading the next sentence)

This so-called 21st Century Housing System bore and eerie resemblance to the 20th Century Housing System.

BAND FORMS: The same house
BAND PLAYS: "Chameleon"

Next the carpetbaggers decided to beautify the ravaged landscape west of the Schuylkill. They did so by installing overpriced coffee shops and recreating the land in their own image. New institutions rose up: Xando, Saladworks, Moravian Café. Old institutions were heartlessly ripped down. The settlers mourned the destruction their roots: Fiesta Pizza, Le Anh's Food Truck, and the irreplaceable Murphy's Tavern.

BAND FORMS: RIP
BAND PLAYS: "Hit the Road Jack"

What will become of the generation that inherits the land of the carpetbaggers? It will take at least 4 years to find out. Despite all the changes one thing will always remain constant: The Penn Band. So we leave this land to you, Class of 2002. Remember the heroism of the 101st by rising for the Red and Blue.

BAND FORMS: 2002
BAND PLAYS: "Red & Blue"

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Bucknell (home), October 3, 1998

Voice: Hello, and welcome to the Penn Band Parents' Weekend Halftime Show. We're so glad that all the parents here could join us today. I've got my parents up here in the booth with me… so Mom, what do you think of that conga line?
Mom says: It's great!
Voice: What do you think, Dad?
Dad says: It really IS great!
Voice: What a commentary! So without further ado...the Parents' Weekend Halftime Show.

Our foe for this week is Bucknell
Our team will put them through hell
Let's be perfectly clear
We'll show them no fear
At least our mascot doesn't smell

BAND FORMS: MOM
BAND PLAYS: "Rawhide"

Into Penn they've thrown lots of money
To appease your daughter or sonny
But you'll probably eat
On Broad or South Street
To feast on frog legs and bunny

BAND FORMS: YUM
BAND PLAYS: "Takin' It to the Streets"

We all want our kids to go far
Like Tiger Woods' 12 under par
If they become President
Assume it's an accident
Dout ask 'bout the Cuban cigar

BAND FORMS: STAR
BAND PLAYS: "Free Ride"

We wanted to spell Fu Manchu
So that's what we chose to do
With a clap of the hand
Please cheer for the band
And rise for the Red and the Blue

BAND FORMS: FU (change) MAN (change) CHU
BAND PLAYS: "Red & Blue"

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Fordham (away), October 10, 1998

Ah! New York, the capital of the world. What better place to see Hollywood's latest blockbuster? In our travels here last year we got to see Men in Black...Leather. This year, we were looking forward to catching Deep Impact. We searched endlessly for a theater that was showing it. However, all we found was some movie about a comet colliding with earth. That wasn't quite the big bang we were looking for. Maybe it's because your mayor took away the quality movie theaters that gave New York its charm. Thanks a lot Giuliani, here's 3 kisses for you.

BAND FORMS: XXX
BAND PLAYS: "The Stripper"

Frustrated by our failure to find a quality flick, we kicked back and tried to find some tunes on the radio. But after being bombarded by the sounds of Celine Dion's incessant whining and Shania Twain's twang, we immediately switched stations. To our delight, we heard our favorite Celtic song playing on 90.7, WFUV. Just like the hundreds of other New Yorkers who couldn't stand to listen to the Goo-Goo dolls or Natalie Imbruglia one more time we too found a sanctuary for our eardrums in WFUV. Then we discovered they were broadcasting to Rams/Quakers game this afternoon. Not knowing which is worse, the Rams broadcast or yet another one-hit wonder, we decided to settle for what's familiar and fled en masse to the bass thumping beats of the Backstreet Boys.

BAND FORMS: FU (change) FM
BAND PLAYS: "Get Ready For This"

So still in search of entertainment in this great city, we decided to check out the vast New York sports scene. Our first stop was Yankee Stadium, but then we figured there was no point in watching a team that had blown its chances at the single season win record. We were going to hop on the 7 and head out to Flushing, but wait, that's right. There's no one playing at Shea because the Mets blew their post season chances by losing 5 in a row. Searching for answers, we consulted the Daily News. However, the entire newspaper was filled with stories about a certain White House intern who blew...her chances at another White House internship.

BAND FORMS: PRES
BAND PLAYS: "Just A Gigolo"

Far be it from the mighty Rams to break the New York tradition of dropping the ball. Even though, at this very moment, this game is being broadcast into literally dozens of homes, we'd like to use your air time for a more worthy purpose: to proclaim the greatness that is the Penn Band. But the we realized that it would break all those people's hearts if we cut in on the radio magic that is Danny Boy as performed by the Grateful Dead. So instead we say Adieu, FU, please rise for the Red and the Blue.

BAND FORMS: BYE
BAND PLAYS: "Red & Blue"

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Columbia (home), October 17, 1998

We'd like to send our condolences to the Board of the Columbia Band, now in exile. The Columbia administration ruthlessly staged a coup d'état against them. Now with the new dictatorship, the Columbia Band has been put into forced labor. They have been ordered to drop their menagerie of Cracker Jack prizes and pick up actual instruments. What will the cruel administration think of next? Actually making them learn to play the instruments?

BAND FORMS: CUMB
BAND PLAYS: "High Hopes"

That's right, you heard me, the Columbia band is now a full credit course in the Columbia music department. The fact that the band is now a serious academic course has prevented their members from playing with their toys during their shows. And everyone knows that the only thing that made Columbia the "cleverest band in the world" is the fact that they tricked the public into thinking that rhythmic gymnasts and STOMP rejects constitutes a real band. Fed up with their disbandment, the CUMB plans a counter effort to re-stake their claim to the throne of "cleverest band in the world." The administration of Columbia, upon hearing word of the counter effort, needed a way to retaliate. They found it in a surprising move, secretly replacing the old band members with freshly roasted Colombian band members, hand picked by Juan Valdez.

BAND FORMS: JAVA
BAND PLAYS: "Get On Your Feet"

Now that the Columbia Band members no longer have to spend endless hours perfecting their mailbox beating technique, how do they spend their copious amounts of free time? We at the Penn Band found out that they are taking new classes. Here are a few: Psychology 123 – Hula Hoops, Ineptitude, and you; Political Science 96- Sex and Diplomacy; Materials Science Engineering 420 – effective waste management techniques. Fashion Design 75 – Looking Manly in Pastel Blue....we heard that some of the Barnard students are doing very well in this course.

BAND FORMS: GAL (change) GUY
BAND PLAYS: "Dude (Looks Like a Lady)"

We realize we've spent our entire show badgering the CUMB, especially since we get the microphone last. Well, what did you expect us to do? Make fun of ourselves about Dining, freshmen, deferred maintenance, Judy's hair, Br. Stephen (and his lake of firrrreeeeee), crime, or the LCB? With the Columbia band, it's just too easy. But as a student run organization, we realize that the administration con sometimes get you down. Stay strong, my Smurf-like brethren. As you, the Penn Fans, thank your lucky stars that our band is not a '90s re-creation of Romper Room, please rise for the Red and the Blue.

BAND FORMS: ROMP
BAND PLAYS: "Red & Blue"

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Brown (away), October 24, 1998

We at the Penn Band decided to go into the past, with the help of Dr. Emmitt Brown, to see what would have happened if the founder of Brown University would not have been Nicholas Brown Jr., but another famous Brown in history. The first brown that popped into our heads was the "Godfather of Soul", James Brown. So, we hopped into our time machine and brought him back from the past. I've got the godfather here in the booth with me right now. So, Mr. Brown, what does the hardest working man in show business know about running a University? "HA!" (James Brown imitation) Mr. Brown, what do you think of the current Asian economic crisis? "HA!" Any words of wisdom, Mr. Brown? "HA!"

BAND FORMS: HA!
BAND PLAYS: "I Got You (I Feel Good)"

The following is to be said in a bad British accent à la MTV's Downtown Julie Brown

This is Downtown Julie Brown! I'm so proud to be the founder of this fabulous University! I've decided to change the official color of the University from brown to neon brown. I'll be a guest lecturer at two courses next semester -- Big Hair and Grinding 101, and a seminar entitled, "How to Make a Bad Body Look Fabulous!" So stick around while Milli Vanilli plays one of their greatest hits! Oh no, Doc Brown! We've made a huge mistake! Give me back the microphone, you washed up relic from a happily bygone era…take her back to the '80s, Doc. Wait, you forgot Milli Vanilli!

BAND FORMS: VJ
BAND: pretends to play while a recording of the band plays in the background

So Doc, it looks like James Brown would have reduced students' vocabularies to a single word, Julie Brown would have turned the campus into a never-ending episonde of MTV, and we were going to bring back Molly Brown, but we had a sinking feeling about that. But since Brown is such a wishy-washy school, we figured that Charlie Brown must have been the founder. So, in the tradition of "A Charlie Brown Christmas", the Penn Band presents "A Very Special Charlie Brown University." Here's a clip from the upcoming special, the first faculty meeting of the year: "Mwa, mwa, mwa." (Charlie's teacher impression) But sirs, I don't want Peppermint Patty in my bathroom. "Mwa mwa mwa mwa?" Well, at least can I be the kicker for the football team? "Mwa, mwa, mwa mwa mwa!" Sure, I'll let Lucy hold the ball for me. Good Grief!

BAND FORMS: two lines, about 10 yards apart, while two bandos reenact Lucy
holding a football while Charile unsuccessfully attempts to kick it
BAND: "Coach" theme

"Great Scott!" (Emmitt Brown impression) What's wrong Dr. Brown? "The space time conintuum has been disrupted! We must go back to the future to fix the rip in time!" So what can we do? "We need 1.21 gigawatts to power the flux capacitor that makes time travel possible! All we need is some plutonium." But Doc, we can't find that anywhere, due to the recent nuclear disarmaments. The only source of energy we have here is the flux capacitor the the Penn Band is forming. Well, I guess we'll just have to leave the University under the care of James Brown while we rise for the Red and the Blue! What do you think of that, James? "HA!"

BAND FORMS: a flux capacitor
BAND PLAYS: "Red & Blue"

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Yale (home), October 31, 1998

Band runs in and does lying down PENNSYLVANIA, crowd goes wild

(To be said à la Robin Williams in Good Morning Vietnam)
Good Morning Pennsylvania! Hey this is not a test... this is the Penn Band! Time to rock it from the Schuylkill to SDT. Hey, is it to early to be that loud? Hey too late! Coming into this game Penn's record is 2-1-0. What's the O stand for? O my god Penn is good! Speaking of good - I've got a little tune for you here from the Penn Band…comin' your way!

Band Forms: SLOW
Band Plays: "I Get Around" (played slowly)

(the following is said in a mock slow motion voice) This is the wrong speed, we've got it on the wrong speed. (stop voice) If you're recovering from a hangover that's gonna sound just right… let's try it a little faster, see if that picks it up a bit…

Band Forms: FAST
Band Plays: "I Get Around" (now at fast speed)

(The following is said in a fast voice) Perfect for those Pre-meds -- I really like the music, I really like the music, I really like the music. (stop fast voice)
OK, I'll take the band off of 78 RPM. Hey, third time's a charm.

Band Forms: FAST
Band Plays: "I Get Around" (regular speed)

Let's try something: Let's play it backwards, see if it gets any better. (do voice like record going backwards) mumble mumble Chodorow is the devil mumble mumble Chodorow is the devil.

(gasp) (Voice sings twilight zone theme) Na na na na... (in Twilight Zone announcer's voice) Picture a man going on a journey beyond sight and sound. He's left New Haven, he's entered the demilitarized zone. What is the demilitarized zone? Sounds like something from the Yale Football Training camp. (Wizard of Oz thing) oh-wee-oh. (Good witch voice) Oh look, you've landed on the Yale football team -- you're among the little people now. (munchkins' voice) We represent the Yale Football Team, the Yale Football Team. Oh no! Follow the New Haven Trail, follow the New Haven Trail!

Hey Yale fans: here's a little advice, don't go on a date with someone who's address is the same as the local pound. Ruff!

Band Forms: DOG
Band Plays: "I Got You (I Feel Good)"

(band begins forming script Penn)

So why did we just form the letters RGC? Well, RGC are the initials of our beloved director, Robert Greer Cheeseman III, otherwise known as Bobby G, the magic man. Greer has been with the band since his freshman year way back in 1973. Back then, a fledgling Greer Cheeseman joined the band with his spacious bell bottoms and his massive Afro playing everything from Tuba to Drums, and no woodwinds in between. His style and sophistication earned him a permanent place of honor on the band office wall as Freshman of the year 1974. Three years later, Greer earned fame and notoriety when he was awarded the Anthony J. Stagliano Horse's Ass Award. This dubious honor was bestowed upon him for his outrageous drum major costumes, most notably Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz and Moses of biblical fame. Unlike most students, after graduation, Greer never left. In 1979, he founded a secret society of band members whose whereabouts and purpose are as of yet unknown. This event occurred towards the beginning of his lengthy reign as Assistant Director, which lasted until 1994. Greer was always easy to spot -- all you had to do was look for the guy dressed as Inspector Gadget. The most memorable event during Greer's tenure as Assistant Director involved a run-in with the local authorities at the Vince Lombardi rest stop. This brush with the law occurred as the Penn Band was returning home from Syracuse. The P is silent. In 1994 Greer officially assumed the position as Director of the Penn Band. Since then, Greer has been making headlines in the Philadelphia Inquirer and the Daily Pennsylvanian. He led the band through its 100th anniversary and its first appearance at Disney World. Over the past 25 years, he's served the band as Treasurer, Drum Major, Assistant Director, and now as its current Director. He's medicated, he's tired, he's pissed, and I quote "not that you care". So, in honor of Greer's first quarter century with the Penn Band, please rise for the Red and the Blue. And one more thing Greer: "Thanks for coming".

BAND FORMS: (script Penn)
BAND PLAYS: "Red & Blue"

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Princeton (away), November 7, 1998

We wanted to commend the Princeton Public Safety Department for busting Brother Stephen White a few weeks ago. In a display of daring and courage 6 police cruisers brought down this dangerous criminal element armed with his pastel yellow short sleeved shirt, his King James bible, and his wit. One police man was quoted as saying, "It was a very intimidating situation. And why not? The army of god’s got his back." (Evangelist voice) Heaven forbid this holy man inject an inkling of morality into this bastion of sin and depravity while exercising his First Amendment rights to spread the holy word of our creator. We of the holy order of the Penn Band say Shame. Shame On You Princeton!

Band Forms: SIN
Band Plays: "Soul Man"

On the secular side of this issue, University counsel Kate Buttolph reported that five to ten cases of trespassing end up before a judge each year. She said, "We don’t normally prosecute people for trespassing, unless they’re doing something really obnoxious." An interview with the incarcerated Brother Stephen revealed that his time spent in the cell block was much more enjoyable having shared it with some of the members of the Princeton Band. Speaking of which, we wonder how all these Princeton fans managed to make bail to come to the game this afternoon.

Band Forms: FAN
Band Plays: "Jailhouse Rock"

We’ve heard that Princeton Stadium is currently up for sale. The Penn Band is embarking on a new fundraiser to buy the stadium If you would like to donate to the fund, please call 555-BAND. We promise that your donation will be worth every penny. Our planned name for the new stadium is Penn is better than Princeton… Stadium. In honor of this purchase and the eventual takeover of the entire University by Penn, please rise for the Red and the Blue.

BAND FORMS: $$$
BAND PLAYS: "Red & Blue"

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Harvard (home), November 14, 1998

BAND FORMS: a flux capacitor
BAND PLAYS: "Red & Blue"

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Cornell (away), November 21, 1998

(Drums play cowbells during scrambling between jokes)

As we, the Penn Band, were making our way up to Ithaca, eating our Oreo cookies and Peanut Butter sandwiches, we realized that something was missing. Was it easy cheese? Handi-snacks? Laughing Cow? Have we milked this joke for all it’s worth? It was milk! We were missing milk. Good thing we were coming to Cornell, the cowpital of the world.

Band Forms: MOO
Band Plays: "Farmer in the Dell"

So we could make fun of Cornell until the cows come home. But all the jokes we came up with were just too cheesy. So we decided to dispense with the bull because it is udderly ridiculous to crack jokes with sole share of the Ivy League Championship at steak. So, since Penn’s team is A1, and your team is well…done, we’ll just play a tune that you’ll enjoy so much, you’ll want to jump over the moon.

Band Forms: A1
Band Plays: "Rawhide"

So here’s our main beef: it’s what’s for dinner! Around here, it’s unfortunately not in the form of a Philly cheesesteak, and the (stress the singular) Hot Truck doesn’t open for hours. Instead, we had to go to some nondescript restaurant in the 3.14 block long cow pie known as Collegetown, and that’s just not gouda ‘nough for us.

Band Forms: (pi)
Band Plays: "Green Acres"