2000 Season
Lehigh (away), September 16, 2000
In the wake of Y2K everything is not the way it used to be. It seems the only thing we can count on anymore is the unexpected. The Olympics in Sydney will be full of surprises. Nothing like the dream team losing that would be silly. Instead we've compiled a list of new and unusual events to keep an eye out for. We'll start with the always riveting javelin dodging, and for the weaker stomached try out co-ed naked crocodile wrestling. Next, one of our personal favorites, freshman tossing. And finally Kangaroo mating,(Australian accent) Australian for good times at Lehigh (cut out "at Lehigh" and put in "at college" if they'll censor it)
BAND FORMS: ROO
BAND PLAYS: "Olympic Fanfare'"
For those of you without
televisions, 2000 is an election year. But with the way things are
going, it looks like the candidates will never agree on where and when
to debate. So as a public service, the Penn Band proposed a debate
between George W. Bush, Al Gore and WWF's The Rock to discuss all the
important political issues. We asked them what they thought the most
important issue of the campaign was:
George W.: Edumacation and Execution
Gore: Can I kiss my wife now?
Rock: The rock says it doesn't matter what you jabronis think. Can you
smell what the rock is cooking?
Unfortunately the debate ended in a huge political smackdown available
only on Pay Per View.
BAND FORMS: WWF
BAND PLAYS: "Rock Theme"
This summer, entertainment was. Well it sucked. First the movies were all recycled! Shaft was a remake of a bad 70's movie. Mission impossible 2, and the Nutty Professor 2 were bad sequels, and scary movie was a bad parody recycling all bad Neve Campbell 90's movies. As for music. Eminem is Vanilla Ice Part 2, and we discovered that all of the blond singers are actually the same person. Oops they did it again. Uncanny isn't it that while Nsync was hot, the backstreet boys were nowhere to be found. Here's a hint they're the same people. So Music and Movies sucked, TV should have been better. Right? Of course we were all glued to the TV watching a bunch of fat ugly people staring at a campfire scratching themselves and letting it all hang out.
BAND FORMS: A
Television complete with and antenna
BAND PLAYS: "Gimme Some Lovin'"
We all expected the world to blow up in the year 2000. It seems the only thing we can count on is that Penn will come through. Please rise for the red and the blue.
BAND PLAYS: "Red & Blue"
Lafayette (Home), September 23, 2000
Welcome everyone to the 260th annual U-TV Quaker Choice Awards. Here to present the award for Best New Arrival: the voice of the Penn Band. And the nominees are: that guy in Hill that yakked in your bathroom last Friday; Franz Kafka (who, for those of you non freshmen wrote the latest best seller Metamorphosis); and the snazzy new sweaters the Penn Band is wearing today. And the winner is. The 20 extra Penn freshmen who were admitted so Judy could get her raise.
BAND FORMS:650K
BAND PLAYS: "Big Spender'"
Villanova (Home), September 30, 2000
We would like to take this opportunity to welcome the SEPTA rail passengers, er, students from Villanova. Usually, we derive the distinct pleasure of bashing our feline rivals from Jersey, but you will do nicely. Actually, Villanova and Princeton have much in common. For example, Penn students don't like you. Also, No Big 5 fan in Philadelphia considers Princeton or Villanova part of the big five. Furthermore, both student bodies share a simliar student diversity -read: none-. But, alas, there are differences too. For example, Princeton -is- willing and not afraid to play Big 5 teams. And heck, those Princeton students are smart too. But don't fret, we here in the Penn Band like you guys, because, much like us, you all dress alike. But if these comparisons are upsetting you, we apologize: we never meant to insinuate that Villanova was a University
BAND FORMS:Big-4
BAND PLAYS: "Eye of the Tiger"
You Villanova students are a couple hours early this week but you'll still have a nice evening…at least more fun than you'd have on your ugly campus. The last train back leaves at 12:19 so don't have too great a time. Don't say we didn't warn you when we kick you out of our houses at 2:00 am and you've got to spent the night on the streets of West Philadelphia. Have all the fun you want tonight, but remember it's a long walk of shame back in the morning.
BAND FORMS:SEPTA
BAND PLAYS: "Down on the Corner"
3 people are involved in a car crash - an honest politician, a Princeton grad who does NOT work for Daddy, and a studly Villanova Man. Who was driving? No one - they are all fictional characters. So, as a public service, we would now like to spend a few seconds talking about that Legendary Villanova Man. We wanted to take a few minutes, but there's just not enough information. In fact, we think the emphasis should be on Legendary, as we can't find one example of a real Villanova Man. We suspect that the Legendary Villanova man is just an Urban, er, I mean, Suburban Legend.
BAND FORMS:STUDS
changes to DUDS
BAND PLAYS: "Just a Gigolo"
So, how does everyone like the Penn Band's new khakis? (pause for applause… we hope). Hard to believe we wore those old white pants for 50 years right? We know most of you probably didn't notice, but yes it's true, please rise for The Red and the Blue.
BAND FORMS:PANTS
BAND PLAYS: "Red &
Blue"
Bucknell (home), October 2, 2000
There are so many new ideas and so few time slots for TV's fall line-up that there's just not enough time for everything. The Penn Band was asked to by the network execs to help with this problem. We were watching Freaks and Geeks, but it just wasn't exciting enough. So we channel surfed over to Fox and saw "When animals attack." How could the network people have possibly missed this one?…. When Freaks and Geeks Attack Animals. See Spot run. See Spot jump. See Spot get slaughtered by a protractor.
BAND FORMS:Protractor
BAND PLAYS: "Jaws Theme'"
Even Fox realized that 90210 wouldn't make it through its 10th year without some help. So we decided to add the ESPN play by play. Here's a sample episode: We take you to the beautiful beaches of Mexico where Kelly and Dylan are enjoying a wonderful evening. When asked for a comment later on, Dylan said it was a Hoom Ruun. Hoom Ruun number 69 in fact… not in one day, that would be a record. Meanwhile back in the Frozen Tundra of Beverly Hills, David, the tight end, lines up in the slot on 4th and inches. There's the snap, he drops back, the pass is up…. It's complete…. He could_ go_ all_ the_ way. And the play of the day goes to Steve Sanders for a hat trick. He scored against 3 different goalies.
BAND FORMS:19104
BAND PLAYS: "ESPN"
We came across C-SPAN one evening, and it put us right to sleep. So we suggested Monday Night Nitro Filibustering Raw. Hillary needs a new husband because of the senate race in New York. Tune in on Monday to see the fight for the Hillary Rodham Championship Belt. In this corner, weighing in at 100 pounds, Stone Cold Strom Thurman. In this corner, weighing in at 250 pounds, we have Jesse "The Body" Ventura. Winner take all in this no holds barred steel cage match.
BAND FORMS:CAGE
BAND PLAYS: "Rocky Theme"
We then turned to Comcast Sports, but decided that it didn't need to be changed- after all, they've been showing Penn football- definitely "must-see tv". Who needs stuff like "Friends" and "ER" when you've got a team like we do? Please rise for the Red and the Blue.
BAND FORMS:CN8
BAND PLAYS: "Red &
Blue"
Fordham (Home), October 9, 2000
The Penn Band would like to commend the College Housing system for its new Penn PM program. This program encourages college students to enjoy clean wholesome fun instead of its usual hedonistic barbarism. We'd just like to share a few ideas that we have on how to get more students to attend the events. For example, try the Stouffer College House Meet, Greet and Eat this Sunday. Stouffer is sponsoring a midnight breakfast/petting zoo. This event offers you the opportunity to meet and greet your meat before you eat.
BAND FORMS:MEET
changes to MEAT
BAND PLAYS: "Live and Let Die"
Last night, instead of the ultimately stimulating Library Scavenger Hunt, High Rise East…. I mean Harnwell House finally had those Elevator Races; which were postponed last month due to "Deferred Maintenance" , and postponed last week because half the contestants didn't know which High Rise Harnwell was. Arts House barely lost to the Asian Studies Wing. It looked like Arts House had it all wrapped up until that one random guy stopped the elevator on the second floor…. Man do I hate that guy…
BAND FORMS:Flight
of Stairs
BAND PLAYS: "Girl from Impanema"
Another event that every college student could enjoy is the Penn's Strongest Professor Competition. This impressive combination of the college housing system and the academic faculty would keep students enthralled for hours. Imagine… Dean Beeman throwing kegs over a 20 foot wall…. Steve Bilsky dominating the Goalpost Tossing event… and Judy pulling an 18 wheeler with her teeth.
BAND FORMS:A Wall
with Tubas jumping over it
BAND PLAYS: "Superman"
None of these evening programs could possibly compete with the cleanest and best form of non-alcoholic entertainment… the Penn Band. Now it's that time you've all been anxiously awaiting…. Please rise for the Red and the Blue.
BAND FORMS:DRY
BAND PLAYS: "Red &
Blue"
Columbia (Away), October 16, 2000
We in the band at Penn would like to welcome all you wonderful alumni to Columbia. We'd also like to thank all of you for risking your lives to come all the way to Spanish Harlem. We've decided to have both an away homecoming and a home homecoming this year. Next month, at the REAL homecoming, we'll show you a game in a REAL stadium with maybe a few more Penn students than you'll see here. It's always nice to know that we've got our "home away from home" here in New York.
BAND FORMS:HOME
BAND PLAYS: "Columbia Fight Song"
As the Penn Band embarked on its listening tour, we heard about this big stink about the exhibit at the Brooklyn Art Museum. Being good Samaritans, the band came up with 3 non-confrontational and fun things to do with elephant dung: 1) put it in a LARGE paper bag and light it on fire one someone's doorstep. 2) Fling it at Columbia Students 3) Hey buddy, how's that hot dog taste?….. Now that's a work of art…..
BAND FORMS:POO!
BAND PLAYS: "Baby Elephant Walk"
We'd like to leave you with a quote from your own Newspaper, The Columbia University Record, regarding that football game you played against Lehigh earlier this year: "The Mountain Hawks explosive 63-13 destruction of the Lions was convincing enough to make it one of the worst Columbia defeats ever, even in a football program with more than its share of futility. " It's amazing how far a team can go when students really support their team. Since everyone can now see a REAL football team in action, please rise for the Red and the Blue.
BAND FORMS:REAL
BAND PLAYS: "Red &
Blue"
Brown (Home), October 23, 2000
No Mom it's really not funny, I'm broke and I need some more money! Steve Madden, Ma Jolie, And that Parfumerie, Have necessities sweeter than honey!
BAND FORMS:$$$
BAND PLAYS: "Material Girl"
Dad don't go into a coma, This D is for diploma. The tests were all hard My CUM is now scarred But I learned Pot's good for glaucoma….
BAND FORMS:TEST
BAND PLAYS: "I Can See Clearly"
Brown thinks they're the team with the most Trying to keep us from another goalpost. But after this game They'll go home in Shame. Bow Down To the Power of TOAST!
BAND FORMS:TOAST
BAND PLAYS: "Respect"
O Brown we wonder how you Can play for the color of Poo. Your colors cause drear Penn's better, it's clear, So please rise for the red and the blue.
BAND FORMS:POO
changes to MOM
BAND PLAYS: "Red &
Blue"
Yale (away), October 30, 2000
In the Fall of 1998, 50 Penn Bandos went into the ghetto of New Haven to film a documentary on the legend of the Yale Bowl. They were never seen again. A year later the tattered remnants of this halftime show was all that was found. This show is dedicated to the memory of those 50 band members
BAND FORMS:Blair
Witch Symbol
BAND PLAYS: "Night of Bald Mountain"
Our first step to solving the mystery of the Yale Bowl was to interview a few of the locals. It took us a while but we finally found someone who would take the 40 away from his lips long enough to talk to us. Our interviewee was the average New Haven Crack addict.. not to be confused with the average Yale student Smack addict on the street. "That's the biggest bowl I've ever seen in my life… and I've seen some BIG bowls in my time." US: "Thanks for your help." Him: "No problem… hey.. want some smack?"
BAND FORMS:BOWL
BAND PLAYS: "High Hopes"
We next decided to visit one of the Yale Masters who had been around for some time. When we arrived at his office, he was looking at pictures of what MUST have been HIS kids on his computer. "I've never studied the Yale Bowl closely, but I've heard some gory rumors that you might be able to find more information under the stands. But be careful.. the spirits of the tackling dummies that called themselves the Yale football team in years past supposedly haunt the Yale Bowl."
BAND FORMS:BOO
BAND PLAYS: "Soulman"
That's where the halftime show cutoff. No one knows exactly what fate had in store for those 50 bandos. In order to avoid their fate, we plan on getting on a bus ASAP and getting out of this cursed pit back to a REAL stadium where the band doesn't have to worry about sinking knee deep into the mud. Please join the band in its ritual for warding off evil spirits and rise for the Red and Blue.
BAND FORMS:PIT
BAND PLAYS: "Red &
Blue"
Princeton (Home), November 6, 2000
In light of all Souls Day this past Monday, the Penn Band was inspired to embark upon a path of self righteous discovery. So we've decided to share our revelation with everyone here today. Our journey began in hell… I mean… the fiery abyss known as Princeton University, a land of endless pain and suffering. For example, people are so horrified of going to school in Princeton, New Jersey, that Princeton is now offering courses over the internet. The band tried to register for one of these classes, but when we entered our personal access codes, it asked us for something called…. an adultcheck ID… As we continued on our journey to redemption, we passed through Purgatory to expunge our sins. The road to redemption is long and narrow… funny, just like the New Jersey turnpike. Along the way we reflected upon the sinful ways we left behind at Princeton. After paying our indulgences… err.. tolls, we crossed the Ben Franklin Bridge and returned to the paradise of Philadelphia. Finally, we can see the light… the scrolling banner at the top of the PECO building. It says: "Welcome back Penn alumni. Remember while you're here to open your hearts and your wallets to this holy place. Penn Band CD's will be on sale during the second half on the lower level." How can you not love this place: its manicured greens, its yellow tape, its orange cones, and the lovely earth tones of the Huntsman Pit. Please rise up in praise for the Red and Blue.
BAND FORMS:Script
'Penn'
BAND PLAYS: "Red &
Blue"
Harvard (away), November 13th, 2000
The Penn Band wants to
revolutionize showwriting for the 21st century. Instead of the rigid
monotonous process of writing shows 2 weeks in advance and submitting
them for approval by committee, this show is all going to be improvised
on the spot. Band: "YAY" Laura: But first we have to set up a few ground
rules. Band: "AWW" Laura: I'm going to ask for suggestions, but there
are things the band just can't say. For instance, don't talk about
burning churches, don't mention that Xerox guy, and for God's sake don't
say <
BAND FORMS:?
BAND PLAYS: "Games People Play"
For the first joke, I'm going to take a suggestion from the band and make up a fictional story right here right now as you enjoy your hot dogs in the stands. Band, let's start with a non-geographic location. Band: "brothel" Laura: I think the band meant to say a house of ill repute. Now, an occupation. Band: Mime Laura: hmmm…. So, a mime walks into a house of ill repute and the madam says "isn't it a little late for a mime to be just walking around?" To which the mime replies "_____________________" And the madam responds "OK, whatever floats your boat… so, what do you want?" The mime says " _________________" The madam answers "where are we going to find 10 pounds of butter and an inflatable Antonio Banderes doll at this hour? And the rheses monkey will cost extra.
BAND FORMS:A
House
BAND PLAYS: "Jungle Boogie"
Laura: Hey band, name a
fruit. Band: Watermelon Laura:
BAND FORMS:A
Watermelon (with Seeds)
BAND PLAYS: "Watermelon Man"
Laura: Hey band, name 2 colors. Band: Red Blue Laura: How'd I know. This one's easy, everyone rise for the Red and Blue.
BAND FORMS:UP
BAND PLAYS: "Red &
Blue"
Cornell (home), November 20, 2000
So as we approach the millennium and our inevitable doom, there are a few things the band would like to do before we bite the bullet and everyone dies.: · Commandeer a dining cart and run amok with it on Locust Walk · Have Band President Eric Klein jello wrestle with Judith Rodin for control of the universe · Tear down another goal post · Say the phrase "release the hounds" and actually release the hounds.
BAND FORMS:DIE
BAND PLAYS: "Imperial March"
Just in case the religious gurus are wrong and the world isn't consumed in a ball of fire, the Band has a contingency plan. We've been stockpiling reeds and valve oil for months now, and all our digital files have been etched into the wall in the form of hieroglyphics. Most importantly, we withdrew all $20 we had in the bank in quarters. Not only can we do our laundry one last time, but we can stuff all of the quarters in a sock to fight off the jackals that will come for our stuff. That Y2K anarchy won't catch us by surprise.
BAND FORMS:Y2K
BAND PLAYS: "Auld Lang Syne"
(Like the Conan O'Brien Sketch) In the year 2000. . . . Penn will take a lesson from Cornell and build a gorge down Locust Walk, eliminating the "Wharton Problem" In the year 2000 . . . . Long Island will finally sink into the Atlantic, and Penn's student body will be cut in half eliminating the housing problem. In the year 2000 . . . . Due to architect confusion over the metric system and the English system, Williams Hall burned up on entering the Mars atmosphere. Their last transmission was: "Houston Hall, we have a problem."
BAND FORMS:MARS
BAND PLAYS: "2001"
And of course, in the year 2000, the following seniors will graduate: Clarissa Fesler Leigh Gardner Curt Hackney Frank Scott Vicky Sin Sylvia Stern Mark Sullivan Brett Weinheimer Frank Sweitnicki John Baker Andy Byala Dan Mueller Matt Robusto Mara Rosenthal Ryan Crochetto Julian Millikan Eric Klein Please Rise for the Red and the Blue
BAND FORMS:2000
BAND PLAYS: "Red &
Blue"