PLEASE NOTE: Due to the events of September 11, 2001 this show was never performed, since the Penn-Lehigh football game was cancelled.

As we in the Penn Band returned to campus at the crack of September for yet another year of HI-larious halftime hijinks, we found the only thing longer than the wait for a cart for move-in was the line wrapping around the outside of Commons.  We were thus forced to make the long trek to our favorite on-campus eatery - The Crepe Truck.  But upon arriving at 37th and Walnut, we could barely make out the outline of the truck through the clouds of dust and the chain-linked rent-a-fencing.  On closer inspection, we discovered a gaping void where half of Gimbel once stood.  This saddened us greatly, because the only thing we love more than our $5 crepes is paying $75 to sit around waiting for the fat guy to get off the Stairmaster.  Since we were here a week before class and had nothing better to do, we decided it was our duty to track down our beloved overpriced gym.

BAND FORMS: G MB L
BAND PLAYS: "Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?"

As avid watchers of Canadian Bacon, we immediately knew the real perps were those damn Canucks.  So we headed over the border to Canada.  Yet, despite joining forces with the Mounties, all we were able to find in Canada was Ma Jolie - and who the hell wants that back anyway?  After
backtracking and reviewing our clues, we noticed that El Diner had also been ripped out from under us.  So it was off to Spain!  As soon as we
landed we saw Carmen Sandiego's evil henchman the Taco Bell Chihuahua, and knew we were hot on the trail.

BAND FORMS: TACO
BAND PLAYS: "Malaguena"

Having found El Diner we decided to enjoy an overpriced Spanish Omellete - the runny eggs and unclean silverware reminded us that Stouffer Dining
had also gone missing from campus.  Freed of the weight of our wallets, we made it to Hamburg, Germany in record time.  There we found a very
dejected henchman...the Hamburglar.  Apparently he had stolen Stouffer, but after tasting the food, tried to give it back.  But we in the Penn Band knew better...

BAND FORMS: CRAP
BAND PLAYS: "Beer Barrel Polka"

After interrogating the Hamburglar, we learned the truth was much closer to home and returned to Philadelphia.  As clueless slueths, we sulked
across the rubble of the 38th St Bridge and could not help but notice the metal monstrosity that might some day be Hunstmann Hall.  But
something caught our eye in the mountainous monolith - the word "GYM" (pronounced gime) emblazened on a small plaque.  We brushed aside some dust and realized Carmen Sandiego and her damn dirty capitalists were using IT for materials - for it was our beloved Gimbel Gymnasium. 
As the band spells "gime," it is clear that our case is now solved, and our work here is through - Please join us and rise for the Red and the Blue. 

BAND FORMS: GYM
BAND PLAYS: "Red & Blue"

Lafayette (away), September 22, 2001

We're baaa-ack.  That's right.  The Penn Band is making its triumphant return to Fisher Field after being banned in 1995 for a halftime show deemed "inappropriate" by Lafayette officials.  In order to ensure that we would not run into the same problems we did 6 years ago, we have instituted our own ratings system, meant to give you, the fans, the opportunity to judge for yourself whether you truly desire to listen to the upcoming joke.  So, in honor of the First Amendment, the Penn Band is proud to present our slightly less-offensive, but sure-to-entertain halftime extravaganza.

BAND FORMS: 1st
BAND PLAYS: "Uncle F*cker"

For starters, the following has been given a rating of PG: Here's a quick quiz. Pick one that does not belong:
A. Notre Dame-Michigan
B. Florida-Florida St
C. Army-Navy
D. Lafayette-Lehigh
Very Good! D is the Correct Answer! The Lafayette-Lehigh is just a Mickey Mouse rivalry that never shows up on any network on cable.  However, don't take offense - we never meant to imply that the Lafayette and Lehigh had a rivalry of any significance in the first place...

BAND FORMS: PG
BAND PLAYS: "Mickey Mouse"

For the more mature audience, the band is proud to offer jokes like this (Parents, please cover your children's ears, instead of writing us angry letters tomorrow): As the Penn Band narrowly escaped the dangerous confines of West Philadelphia, we looked forward to the serenity of the rolling hills of Easton, Pennsylvania. Cow after cow, smokestack after smokestack, we finally reached our destination. In the middle of nowhere, we realized just how peaceful and safe Lafayette College is, therefore making Lafayette one of the top safety schools in the nation.

BAND FORMS: R
BAND PLAYS: "Farmer in the Dell"

We hope this new ratings system will help you, the discriminating viewer, choose what jokes are appropriate for both your family and you.  Please join us and rise for the Red and the Blue.

BAND FORMS: R + B
BAND PLAYS: "Red & Blue"

Dartmouth (away), September 29, 2001

This being is our first show performed in front of the Dartmouth student body in quite some time, the Penn Band figured we had to dumb things down a bit so you all would be able to enjoy the show.  And what better style than that of Dr. Suess, Dartmouth's most renowned alum, to help you through the next 6.5 minutes!  We've also enlisted the help of the sexiest person we could think of (no, not Greg Buth - he was too busy complaining to the referees)...Sean Connery....to read our show in the fine poetic tradition of Hanover's most frabulous, grabulous, zip-zoop-zabulous contribution to American pop culture in the last 100 years.

BAND FORMS: 007
BAND PLAYS: "Bond Theme "

Voice - First we'd like Mr. Connery to read an excerpt from the classic, "Big Green Kegs & Ham." 
Sean - Would you, could you, with a goat?  WE KNOW YOUR MOTHER HAS! or WE KNOW YOU HAVE!  Dartmouth, Dartmouth, you are so great, I hear in Beer you're Number Eight.  But in academics you ain't so fine, US News has you down at Nine.

BAND FORMS: 8 -> 9   (bring an empty keg out onto the field, too)
BAND PLAYS: "Beer Barrel Polka"

Voice - And now Mr. Connery shall recite a passage from "The Lorax."
Sean - I am the lorax.  I speak for the trees.  <pause>  Trees?  Who cares about trees?  The real problem is how lame this whole campus is.  We're in the middle of nowhere!  There's not enough beer in the whole world to make this place exciting.  Your mascot is a color for god's sake!
<scuffle>
Voice - Mr. Connery, we're going to have to ask you to leave.  Sorry folks...

BAND FORMS: a tree
BAND PLAYS: "Green Acres"

Voice - Sorry about that - someone obviously got into that keg before we rolled it onto the field.  Since the show has probably gotten a little too complicated for most of you, we bring it to a close, once again, with Dr. Suess.  As we were about to say before Mr. Connery got out of hand, in the words of the Great Dr. Theodor Geisel: One Fish, Two Fish, Please rise for the Red and Blue fish.

BAND FORMS: R + B
BAND PLAYS: "Red & Blue"

Holy Cross (home), October 6, 2001

Way before Penn put them into debt,
There was a time when your parents first met.
They drank, smoked, and danced;
Can you believe they wore those pants?
Disco - a time to forget.

BAND FORMS: 70's
BAND PLAYS: "Gloria"

And then came along Little You,
Destined to wear Red and Blue.
But before that could happen
Between eatin' and nappin'
You learned that Princeton was spelled PU.

BAND FORMS: PU
BAND PLAYS: "Sesame Street"

This was to be a joke about beer,
But our director made it quite clear:
"Mention the aspects of Penn"
"Wharton, the College, and Ben."
"I'm amazed that you all got in here."

BAND FORMS: BEER
BAND PLAYS: "All I Need is a Miracle"

But a degree at Penn you pursue,
And for that, we all honor you.
You applied to the rest,
But got accepted at the best.
So please rise for the Red and Blue.

BAND FORMS: PENN
BAND PLAYS: "Red & Blue"

Columbia (away), October 13, 2001

The Penn Band now proudly presents our Mr T-Related Plagiarism Show!  Three weeks ago, a team of crack Penn Bandos were arrested for crimes they didn't mean to commit.  They promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Philadelphia underground.  Today, still wanted by the French, they survive as a mercenary band, whoring themselves out to anyone offering free food or beer.  If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire.....The Penn Band

BAND FORMS: A
BAND PLAYS: "A-Team"

Still in hiding and strapped for cash, we need to make a collect call for help.  About to dial 0, we were suddenly accosted by the combined forces of Mr T, Eva Save-A-Lot, Carrot Top, and David Arquette.  We really couldn't make out what they were saying through the maelstrom of mohawk, leather pants, red hair, and sheer obnoxiousness, but it seems if we would simply dial down the center, we'd save at least a buck or two.  It seems we aren't the only ones whoring ourselves out for the almighty dollar...

BAND FORMS: 0
BAND PLAYS: "I Get Around"

Still traumatized by our encounter with Carrot Top and Dewey, we stopped by Mick's Gym to blow off some steam.  And who did we run into but the one....the only....Clubber Lang
Clubber - I'm the baddest man in the world.  I'll be you like a dog, a dog"
Voice - So what's your prediction for the game, Mr. Lang?
Clubber - My Prediction?  Penn.

BAND FORMS: Mr. T
BAND PLAYS: "Eye of the Tiger"

We'd like to thank Mr. T for letting us borrow liberally from his extensive library of theatrical quotations by inviting him up to the both to deliver these final words of wisdom:
Mr T - If you didn't like this show, I pity you, foo'.  Cut the jibber-jabber, and rise for the Red and the Blue.

BAND FORMS: FOO'
BAND PLAYS: "Red & Blue"

Yale (home), October 20, 2001

Wool Sweaters.  Khakis.  White collars.  White Shoes.  Free Beer.  Naked people. 
This week on Behind the Music: The Penn Band Story.

104 years ago, a lone trumpet player put an ad in the DP: "Tuba Wanted for 1890's Hair Band. Influences must include Sousa & Lars" The newly-formed Penn Band, after unsuccessfully traveling around New England for years and failing to find their niche, made a name for themselves in Philadelphia, playing sold-out shows at Cavs and Smokes.  Finally, in 1983, they got their big break, when their power ballad single "I Love Your Peaceful Ways" hit the top of the charts.

BAND FORMS: HAIR
BAND PLAYS: "To Be With You"

Things were going great for the Penn Band, with "I Love Your Peaceful Ways" topping the charts for 30 consecutive weeks.  But the cost of fame was too high. Years of drugs, booze, and fast girls had taken their toll.  And on one tragic evening, while loading the tour bus for a trip to New Haven, quad-player Everett Herman tragically lost his arm.  It was a practical joke gone wrong..."I don't know how it happened, man.  One second he had two arms....and then he only had one!  We thought we were doomed.  But if Rick Allen from Def Leopard could do it, so could Everett!"

BAND FORMS: 1 ARM
BAND PLAYS: "Pour Some Sugar" (drummers play w/ one arm)

The Penn Band struggled through the late 80's and early 90's, when creative differences finally tore them apart.  "We put up with them for too long.  The <expletive deleted> clarinets wanted to play Spanish Flea over and over again.  We finally decided it was time for them to go" Without the clarinets, the band decided to change their image, in order to bring in new and younger fans.  They cut their hair and learned a few new power chords, but basically wrote the same damn song.

BAND FORMS: SAME -> SONG (without clarinets)
BAND PLAYS: "It's My Life"

After 103 years, the Penn Band decided to call it quits and go their separate ways.  Several years later, however, strapped for cash, they decided to go for one last hurrah and go on a Reunion World Tour, clarinets, hair, and all.  The tour now finishes up back here where it all began.  The Penn Band has come full circle.  To close this edition of Behind the Music, we leave you with the words of A Felix Dupont, founder of the Penn Band: "Philadelphia!  WE LOVE YOU!  Please join us and rise for the Red & the Blue"

BAND FORMS: VH1
BAND PLAYS: "Red & Blue"

Brown (away), October 27, 2001

With the recent predicted economic upturn, we in the Penn Band, in our infinite wisdom, would like to offer you, the students and parents of Brown, some sound economic advice.  We're from the school that brought you Wharton....how wrong could we be? Our first suggestion?  Pumpkins!  Their stock has been skyrocketing all through the month of October!  Who woulda thunk it?

BAND FORMS: a pumpkin
BAND PLAYS: "Thriller"

Our next peice of investment advice comes all the way from Kiev.  With Halloween approaching, Hershey's Ukrainian Division has come up with a new candy idea: "zhir v'shokoladye" Who doesn't like bacon?  Who doesn't like chocolate?  Your two favorites, together at last!  FAT-IN-CHOCOLATE, finger-sized pork fat glazed in rich milk chocolate.  When this stuff hits the market, we guarantee its stock won't be the only thing that goes up.....your cholesterol will too.

BAND FORMS: FAT
BAND PLAYS: "Pour Some Sugar"

For you, the more cautious investors, looking for a more long-term strategy, we suggest saving your money for your child's law school education.  Why law school?  According to USA Today, Walmart gets sued 4,300 times a year, an astounding rate of once every 2 hours!  Lawsuits have become so prevalent that the American Association of trial lawyers has begun to offer special training for those interested in practicing "Walmart Law."

BAND FORMS: W
BAND PLAYS: "Rawhide"

As bizarre as these stories sound, people are really this dumb.  Believe us when we say all these stories are true, please join us and rise for the Red and the Blue.

BAND FORMS: $
BAND PLAYS: "Red & Blue"

Princeton (home), November 3, 2001

261 years ago, Ben Franklin had an idea for a university...a university populated entirely BY MEN.  Unfortunately, it wasn't until 136 years later that the men finally came to their senses and realized they were missing one thing: WOMEN.  So, while the "men" of Princeton were forced to spend their Saturday nights in desolate solitude until 1969 (when Princeton finally admitted women as undergrads), Penn had already produced the likes of Andrea "I'm on TV" Mitchell, Candace "I almost graduated" Bergen, and Judy "Male university presidents get 70% of my salary" Rodin.  So today, as we celebrate the 261st anniversary of Men at Penn, we also salute the women of Penn, for all their remarkable achievements.  We must ask, how can the women of Princeton ever measure up to you?

BAND FORMS: 36 --> 24 --> 36
BAND PLAYS: "25 or 6 to 4"

Four score and twenty four years ago our forefathers brought forth in this university a new band, conceived at Murphy's Tavern, and dedicated to the proposition that the Penn Band will always be better than Princeton's.  But in 1970, there was a great civil war, pitting brother against sister, and testing whether that band or any band so conceived and so dedicated, could long endure. We are met today on the great battle-field of that war. We have come to honor those who here persevered in order to make the Penn Band what it is today - the best damn co-ed Band in the Ivy League.  For it was one score and eleven years ago that women were permitted to join the band and march on the field. Today we honor those pioneers, and all of those who followed. The Band would like to single out: Lynne Leopold-Sharp, class of 74, one of the original 9 women to join the band, and the first female vice-president of the band; Ann McCarthy Gallagher, class of 81, first female assistant drum major; and Marianne Alves class of 93, the first female drum major.  We have come together on the field today to dedicate this event - Women in the Band. But, in a larger sense, we cannot dedicate, we cannot consecrate, we cannot hallow this ground (mainly, because it's not ground - it's Astroturf). The brave women who struggled here have consecrated it, far
above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us, the Penn Band of the 21st century, to be dedicated here to continue the task set before us by the our forefathers and foremothers - to remain the Undefeated,... University of Pennsylvania Band. Please rise for the Red and the Blue.

BAND FORMS: Script 'Penn'
BAND PLAYS: "Red & Blue"

Harvard (away), November 10, 2001

BAND FORMS: a hammer
BAND PLAYS: "Back in the USSR"

And then we thought for a while...is communism really all that bad? After all, what have those communists ever done to us?  I mean, maybe you pinkos had it right all along....In the words of the Carebears, Sharing is Caring. Haven't you ever thought to yourself, why can't everything be communal?  Money...jobs...showers....women....Hey, look at China...communism...50 years, and still, well, going...

BAND FORMS: a sickle
BAND PLAYS: "China Grove"

BAND FORMS: RED
BAND PLAYS: "Blame Canada"

Before coming to a final verdict on communism, we decided to examine one last example of communism in action: those Socialist Men Under Red Father, the SMURFS.  Sure, everyone was happy and shared everything, but there was only one woman and they didn't even have any shirts.  That's just not the kind of socialist paradise we envisioned.  Though our brief flirtation with communism is through, please join us and rise for the Red.....and the Blue.

BAND FORMS: R + B
BAND PLAYS: "Red & Blue"

The Penn Band would like to take this opportunity to preface the following show with a disclaimer.  The following halftime show is true. And by true, I mean false.  It's all lies.  But they're entertaining lies.  And in the end, isn't that the real truth?  There answer is no. The jokes contained in this halftime show in no way reflect the feelings or beliefs of the Penn Band (or anyone else with an IQ higher than 36, for that matter).  Please keep this in mind before you put us over the disk space quota with emails again.

BAND FORMS: IQ
BAND PLAYS: "Uncle F*cker"

Four score and 24 years ago, the Penn Band was founded as a military-style marching band.  Over the years, the band developed into the rag-tag bunch of scramble bandos you see before you today.  However, recent run-ins with various campus vigilante groups have forced us to re-evaluate our standing as a scramble band.  We were so awestruck by the performance of the Cornell Marching Band (the only REAL marching band in the Ivy League), anyway, that we felt compelled to emulate their marching precision and musical virtuosity.

BAND FORMS: Comedic Marching
BAND PLAYS: "Band March"

Thankfully, 36 years ago, we came to our senses and dropped that marching rubbish.  Since then, we've used  irreverent comedy and music as part of our weekly halftime ritual, parodying ourselves, our opponents, and current events.  Unfortunately, this often results in misunderstandings and misinterpretations of our message.  But, honestly, we mean well.  Please don't fear the Penn Band.  And please don't get us in any more trouble.

BAND FORMS: JAIL
BAND PLAYS: "Smooth Criminal"

We're going to miss our seniors, and you know you will too.  Class of 2002, please rise for the Red and the Blue.

BAND FORMS: 2002
BAND PLAYS: "Red & Blue"