first we'd like to direct your attention to penn's newest and most grandiose eyesore.
(whistle blows, Band Forms:  <--)
Huntsman Hall. 
(whistle blows, scramble)
it took quite a bit of effort, manpower, & a large endowment to erect a building of this size...too bad it took over 5 years to get it up.  if you ask me, wharton's just using this building to make up for it's prior shortcomings.

Band Forms:  |/|/ [wharton slanty W]
Band Plays:  Big Spender

this year, penn dining has gotten its 10th makeover in the past 6 years.  our fabulous new gourmet dining halls have incorporated "new asian concepts" along with the good ole homestyle cookin' in a gourmet fusion extravaganza.  some menu items include curry fried chicken fingers, szechuan grits, & instant gourmet cocoa krispies- just add milk..

Band Forms:  YUM
Band Plays:  Kung Fu Fightin

and last but certainly not least, our brand new fitness center.  redone 3 years ago only to be torn down & redone again, the smoke around pottruck is finally clear.  no, pottruck is not your rastafarian roomie's delivery service, it's penn's new health & fitness center. pottruck boasts over 420 brand new pieces of exercise paraphernalia including elliptical machines & a pool that's so big you feel like you're swimming around a coral reef-or a really large pool.  be sure to visit pottruck for a completely euphoric experience.

Band Forms:  420
Band Plays:  Smoke on the Water

hopefully now we'll shift from 4 up to 2.  now please rise for the red & blue.

Band Forms:  NO 2
Band Plays:  Red & Blue

vs. Dartmouth 10/5/2002

at Villanova 10/10/2002

to start off this epic halftime show, we the pennband would first like to congratulate villanova for jumping aboard the scramble band...wagon.  [read in a manner similar to "please allow myself to introduce...myself" from austin powers] in our infinite wisdom & 40 plus years experience as a scramble band, we've discovered a few topics that might be worth avoiding during fieldshows. while we're not sorry for anything we've done in the past, we feel it might be in the best interest of others to learn from our mistakes: first rule of thumb, never make fun of potential university investors, especially while they're in the audience.
(whistle blows)
Band Forms: 1969

second, never objectify broads- did i say broads? i meant women, especially during a 100year celebration of women at your university.
(whistle blows)
Band Forms: 36D

and last but certainly not least, try to keep the personal attacks on your opponents to a minimum, especially if they- rightfully so- have an inferiority complex
(whistle blows)
Band Forms: BIG 5  ->  BIG 4
Band Plays: The Uncle Song from South Park

[insert Nova Band Joke]

that wasn't TOO bad, but don't worry 'nova, it always hurts your first time. 
now that that disaster is through, would you all please rise for the red & blue
Band Forms: R+B
Band Plays: Red & Blue

NOVA'S ALMA MATER

vs Columbia 10/19/2002

There once was a man from Nantucket,
To lose weight he chose to Pottruck it.
But when he was done,
He still weighed a ton,
So he said to himself "ah [pause] forget it"

Band Forms: *#$!
Band Plays: Eye Of The Tiger

A band with incomparable wit
Inadvertently started a fit.
What for most just brought boredom,
Ticked off all of Fordham,
And now they're in really deep [pause] trouble.

Band Forms: A Box
Band Plays: Roar, Lion Roar (Columbia fight song)

Last night went off with no hitch.
But this morning when I hit the switch,
I couldn't stop cryin';
Woke up with a lion!
Gotta drop this Columbia [pause] girl.

Band Forms: LION
Band Plays: Dude Looks Like a Lady

Our mothers and fathers came through,
With a meal that was not ramen stew.
They gave us some cash,
We stocked up our stash,
Please rise for the red and the [pause] navy.

Band Forms: smiley face
Band Plays: The Red & Blue

at Yale 10/26/2002 ("The Pants Show")

the pennband would like to take this opportunity to recognize a part of everybody's life which is taken for granted. everyday, millions and millions are used and abused without so much as a "thank you" or an "i appreciate what you do for me". this is awful, dispicable, and downright wrong; we, the pennband, will not stand for this unjustice anymore. not a day goes by where the normal person doesn't wear pants, and it's about time this issue is  brought to everyone's attention. i for one am taking this opportunity to say it loud and clear: "Thank You, Pants". the pennband proudly presents [do do do do do do!] "A Salute to Pants"

Band Plays: Olympic Fanfare
Band Forms: a pair of pants

here's a little history for you presented in a segment we call "Pants Through The Ages!" when pants first burst upon the scene in 1684, this now widely accepted concept was met with scorn and disgust. pants were ostracized and even burned in the streets, they were worn only by loose women and carnies,  and no respectable shopkeeper would even carry them in their shops. but the brainchild of sir william of pantsington would not be pulled down without a fight. pants weathered the storm and before long they caught on, thus began the age of pants.

Band Plays: 2001
Band Forms: a pair of pants

soon everyone was wearing some form of pants. the preppies had their khakis, the jocks their windpants, girls their capris, trashmen their coveralls, mc hammer had his parachute pants, and pirates have their pantaloons. with a wealth of innovations and countless incarnations, these wonderous and miraculous apparel will never be caught with their pants down. they go with every outfit and they can make even the dorkiest yalie look smooth.

Band Plays: Smooth
Band Forms: a pair of pants

we're thankful for our pants
you should be too
and now please rise for the red and blue

Band Plays: Red & Blue
Band Forms: a pair of pants

vs Brown 11/2/2002 (Homecoming)

In an attempt to offend absolutely NO ONE in the audience, the band is going to try an experiment - a show totally devoid of humor (on purpose) - like the Brown Band!. No making fun of Brown, no pokes at politics, not even an off-hand remark about gender. No, the band will simply form a non-descript formation and show off by playing a song worthy of its musical challenges.

Band Forms: concert formation
Band Plays: Swing Swing Swig

While the Penn Band is comprised of students from all majors and talent levels, there really are some great players in the group. We'd like to present them now.

Band Plays: St Thomas
Band Plays: Red and Blue

at Princeton 11/9/2002

this week on the crocadile hunter we travel to the bowels of new jersey in search of one of the world's ugliest beasts. for a while the mysterious jersey devil was the threat that instilled fear in the heart of jersey-ites, but these foul beasts we're in search of today make the jersey devil look as harmless as a little girl with a blue dress on.

Band Forms: GRR
Band Plays:  Devil with a Blue Dress

Crikey!  there's one now!  over on the sidelines!  you can see them from miles away, their hideous orange and black checkered outer shell is the clue that you're actually looking at the disgusting princeton platapus. While the Princeton region was once known for its feline fauna and high wasp concentration, it is now entirely inhabited by platypi. Word is that the insular Princetonians became so enamored of themselves that the species became inbred, mutating into the horrifying specimen we now see before us.

Band Forms: EEK
Band Plays: Dude

Never fear, though, this vision of genetics gone wrong is actually quite harmless. their only actual means of defense is to bore their prey to death by speaking at great lengths about themselves.  Don't move too quickly however, even the most peaceful Quaker observer could give it a scare, causing it to hide in the wastelands of its natural habitat. If that happens, tracking the beast will mean spending far too much time in New Jersey, and the mingling odors of cow dung and oil refineries might knock us out. 

Band Forms: EWW
Band Plays: something from scare tactics

Don't worry, little platypi, we won't hurt you...too badly.
Now that our journey through the wastelands of America are through,
would you all please rise for the red and blue.

Band Forms: R+B
Band Plays: Red & Blue

vs Harvard 11/16/2002

[entire show read in a deep, provacative, barry white/chef from south park
voice...also during the reading of the whole show kellen, our guitar player plays his "porn music"]

oh, hey, look at you sittin over there.  yeah you.  the hot little thang sittin in section 210 row a seat 33.  we've had our eye on you all game.  why don't you come on over here and have a seat next to good old pennband.  don't be scared, we won't bite...hard.  just sit back, relax, and let the dulcet tones of the pennband take you away to a land of ectasy.

Band Forms: a heart
Band Plays: Theme From Shaft

what?  you say you've never been with a band before?  that's okay, don't worry, we'll take it nice and slow.  we'd never do anything to hurt you, baby.  you just relax and lay there wrapped in the arms of a big strong band, close your eyes and let the moment take hold.  we've got all night if that's what it takes.  we've even got two finnish dwarves on hold if you're into that sort of thing.  no?  just the two of us?  in that case we'll just lay you down by the fire, put the music on real low, and take it nice and slow.  it's just you and us baby, there's no one else here, so don't be afraid to let yourself go.  [beat]  yeah, that's right.

Band Forms: SLOW -> FAST
Band Plays: Like a Virgin

don't worry baby, we could never forget to call you
you're the only one that could get us to rise for the red and blue

Band Forms: 2003
Band Plays: Red & Blue

at Cornell 11/23/2002

as usual, when trying to come up with a show for cornell we were stumped. the gorge jokes were getting old, and there's no need to make fun of this year's football team: their performance is humiliation enough.  we started to think that there actually might not be anything funny about cornell.  but we weren't going to give up that easy.  we plunged deep into the cavern of knowledge that is the internet and actually managed to uncover the latest bit of buzz across cornell's campus. apparently, in an effort to please the student body, commissaries around the campus have decided to start selling personal massage units.  representatives from cornell have reported that their decision to approve this unprecedented action was in hopes of having their fragile and influental coeds avoid traveling into the seedy areas of ithaca to purchase such objects.  luckily, that's not all they'll avoid...

Band Forms: CLAP
Band Plays: If you're happy and you know it

the only problem we encountered with doing this shw was that we couldn't settle on a song to play.  i mean, there's just so dang many choices: beat it, relax, hand in my pocket, rocket man, dancin' with myself, good vibrations, turnin' japanese, even better than the real thing, touch myself...we could go on for days.  so instead of trying to all agree on a song, we decided to scrap the whole show idea and play a nice wholesome children's song.

Band Forms: a mountain:  
Band Plays: She'll Be Comin' 'Round The Mountain

so, be sure to stop by your neighborhood commissary and pick up a boyfriend you know'll be true

and now please rise for the Red & Blue