2006 Season
Penn Quakers at Lafayette Leopards
September 16, 2006
(note:the
Lafayette announcer did not say the lines:"Who wouldn't want a Texas two-second
message. Remember Mr. President, no means no!" Also, he added his own note that
the script was written and presented to this "reluctant announcer" by the Penn
Band.)
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, reptiles of all ages, introducing the oh so grateful Penn Band. As we begin the transition from summer to fall, from blue skies and sunshine to dreary, bone-chilling weather, the monotony of classes, and an extended period of hibernation, the Penn Band would like to take a look back at the summer that was.
In the celebrity world, former NSYNC member Lance Bass came out of the closet and, significantly more shockingly, hotel heiress Paris Hilton pledged to be celibate for one year. She later retracted her statement upon being informed of the definition of the term “celibacy,” going on to tell reporters that it depends on what the definition of the word “is” is.
(Form DUM, play I Get Around)
The summer of 2006 also saw the release of movies that are sure to become classics that will stand the test of time, namely the much-anticipated Samuel L. Jackson film Snakes on a Plane. Many spin-offs are already in the works, including Rabid Squirrels on a Cruise liner, Porcupines in a Minivan, and Mountain Hawks under the tires of the Penn Band bus. Also currently in production is Rocky Balboa, the sixth movie in the Rocky series. It remains to be seen if Sly Stallone will be able to leave his Craftmatic adjustable bed for long enough to take down Apollo Creed one more time. The Penn Band, however, is not going to bet against him.
(Form Y?, play Eye of the Tiger)
The summer of 2006 was also an active one with regard to international politics and diplomacy. Of note is President Bush’s new, hands-on approach to foreign policy; literally hands-on – just ask German Prime Minister Angela Merkel. I mean, who wouldn’t want a “Texas, one-second massage”? But seriously, Mr. President, remember, no means no!
(Form G7, play Touch Me)
The summer of 2006 is coming to an end and this show is too
We now ask you to please rise for the Red and Blue..
(Form P, play Red and Blue)
Penn Quakers vs. Villanova Wildcats
September 23, 2006
Welcome back Quaker fans to historic Franklin Field and a special welcome to
Class of 2010. We’d also like to welcome all the Villanovans in the crowd; it's
been so long since you were here last year for your "home" game. We'd like to
highlight some differences between Penn and Villanova so you don't get confused
as to where you are. You see, Penn has many traditions, being America's first
University and all. From Hey Day to Spring Fling, row bottoms, the Econ Scream,
burning effigies of Professors, and so much more, you name it, Penn’s got it.
We have so many traditions, we’re throwing them away. Now, the Penn Band was
planning on playing the song Tradition from Fiddler on the Roof for this punch
line, but, sadly, it was eaten by a large rabbit, so the band will throw reason,
among other things, to the wind, and play Tear the Roof off the Sucker instead.
(Form piece of toast, play Tear the Roof of the Sucker)
Oh yes, Penn's endowment is MUCH
larger than Villanova's. We're always
building new classrooms, re-naming college houses, and constructing colonial
style buildings on the precious green space that once was Hill Field.
Furthermore, Penn is the largest employer in the City of Philadelphia except for
the government and we are working on taking that over too, starting with our
annexation of the US Postal Lands. Drexel University, we know where you sleep.
(Form $, play Big Spender)
The Penn Band would like to take this opportunity to wish a Happy Rosh Hashanah to all those likely not in attendance this evening. Since our version of Hava Nagilah was eaten by the same ravenous rabbit and we were unable to find any other songs appropriate for this holiday, we will be playing our default song for any holiday, Holiday. We don’t mean to be so culturally insensitive – it is seriously all we have.
(Form circle, play Holiday,
Color guard in middle, with one member raised on chair)
If you think you have the chutzpah to write a better show than the one performed tonight, especially if you play or have ever heard of such a thing as a saxophone, we’d love to see you at our next rehearsal, Monday night at 6:00 at the Platt Student Performing Arts House. L’Shana Tova from the Penn Band to you, please rise for the Red and Blue.
(Form P, play Red and Blue)\
Penn Quakers vs. Dartmouth Big Green
September 30, 2006
Ladies and Gentleman, boys and girls, Federalists, Whigs, Nativists, Free-Soilers, and Free-Masons, introducing the Penn Band. While going out on the weekends, the Band has come to the realization that Penn parties just are not all that fun. Perhaps, after 109 years of existence, all of the debauchery has become blasé to us, but, really, we just don’t think they’re quite as good as they used to be in the old days, the really old days. James Polk, Millard Fillmore, Eleanor Roosevelt, some historical figures really knew how to get down. So, without further ado, the Penn Band’s guest list for our First Annual Dead Historical Figures Bash.
(Form RIP, play
Masterpiece)
Andrew “Old Hickory” Jackson was one of the most awesome men to hold the office of President, and would be a fixture at our little historical gathering. The dude really knows how to party. After his inauguration, he literally invited the entire country back to the White House, where they all feasted from a giant 1400-pound cheese wheel. Seriously. The guy knows how it’s done. After Old Hickory had his fair share of Natty Ice and cheese, he’d be out on the dance floor, bumping and grinding with all the young co-eds. Jackson also wouldn’t tolerate anyone trying to steal his dance partner. No, back in 1835 someone tried to shoot Jackson, but his two revolvers failed, and he was promptly beaten into submission by the President’s cane. Now that would kick our party off right!
(Form Wheel of Cheese, play Let’s Get it Started)
Next on the invite list is Teddy Roosevelt. While not as crazy as Jackson, T.R. would be another crucial person at the Penn Band’s first ever Dead People Bash. He’d be the guy that would tell really crazy stories about the time he went up that hill in Cuba and killed all those people with his bare hands, or the time when he was sailing from New York to San Francisco and it was just taking too darn long, so he ordered the captain to aim for Panama, where he hopped out and dragged the ship over the isthmus to the Pacific ocean. But for all that, he’d still be a hit with the ladies. He invented the teddy bear, for crying out loud. And finally, keep in mind that T.R. is the original Rough Rider. Musical entertainment – he’s got it covered.
(Form Big Stick, low brass forms triangle up front, play Ruff Riders Anthem)
Winston Churchill once said “I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly,” so he’s in. While industrialists George Pullman, Andrew Carnegie and John Rockefeller perhaps wouldn’t be as much fun as the above three, you have to invite them, or your party’s nothing. These guys would pull up an hour late in their Beamer, wearing their pink Lacoste polo shirts with the collars popped, flip-flops, and $200 pants that they bought already ripped-up. While they may be tools, you best pretend to like them because if you get on their good side, you’re set for life.
(Form BFF, play Free Ride)
Finally, there’s the guy you wouldn’t invite but would crash the party anyway: Benedict Arnold. He would totally show up, hang out for a while, and then leave, promptly calling the cops. Jerk. So then, as the sirens blare and the police file in, all of our favorite historical party animals would be caught dancing erraticly, throwing their arms in the air, and belting out the words to the one song no party can go without.
(Form wOOt, play Livin’ on a Prayer)
Of course, lest we forget the immortal words of Penn’s founder, Benjamin Franklin, who said that “beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.” To the words of our founder we will always be true, so please rise for the Red and Blue.
(Form P, play Red and Blue)
Penn Quakers vs. Columbia Lions
Parent's Weekend
October 14th, 2006
It's
family weekend again
We welcome you back to Penn
When your son pledges a frat
And your daughter gets fat
You will still love them then
(Form NOT, play Sweet Child of Mine)
Things have changed since you went to school
More fun things to do than play pool
Electronics are in
Which your kids always win
But tile games will always be cool
(Form Domino, play Domino)
And hello to our friends from CU
We wrote this limerick for you
We tried really hard
To write like a bard
But nothing rhymes with Columbia
(Form box with question mark, play Sellout)
Mr. T says I pity the foo
Who goes to Columbia U.
If he were a Lion
Than he would be cryin’
Now please rise for the Red and the Blue
(Form R + B, play Red and Blue)
Penn Quakers @ Yale Elis
October 21st, 2006
On September 12, 2006, Harvard University, indisputably New England's foremost institution of higher learning and a pioneer among American universities, acted boldly by announcing the elimination of its Early Action admissions' program. A week later, Princeton University followed suit, deciding to do away with Early Decision. In an effort to keep up with its supposed peers, Yale University announced the elimination of that bane of the low-income student: long division. According to a press release, the decision to drop the remainder was made in large part because of concerns that long division provides an unfair advantage to rational numbers while ignoring their irrational counterparts. A spokesperson added that it is a way to equalize the student body, while providing a home for radicals. The rest of the Ivy League could not be reached for comment.
(Form division sign, play Land of 1000 Dances)
Yale University has been associated with a number of embarrassing changes in recent weeks, among them the resume of College senior Aleksey Vayner. Vayner, the founder of Youth Empowerment Strategies, apparently a subset of the Human Fund, has been employed by the CIA, the mafia, and Vayner Capital Management, gave tennis lessons to Harrison Ford and Sarah Michelle Geller, taught martial arts to the winner of the Korean Nationals Tai-Kwan Do Championships, and authored the book Women's Silent Tears. He also claims to have invented the color purple, swam the Grand Canyon, parted the Red Sea, claimed the moon in the name of France, and saved a bunch of money on his car insurance by switching to Geiko.
(Form question mark, play I'm a Believer)
The whole country was beaming last week because of the birth of the 300 millionth living American. But Mr. Vayner was proudest of all as the papa of baby number 300 million…and babies 299 million to 299,999,999. According to our calculations, he would have had to father 1 million over 7,665 babies a day every day of his life. Sadly, you in the audience lack the long division skills to truly appreciate the Chamberlain-esque magnitude of this accomplishment. I just wonder how he found time for those tennis lessons.
(Form exclamation point, play Sweet Child)
Hey Yalies, don't rip the trunks off any elephants at the zoo
Penn fans, please rise for the Red and the Blue
(Form P, play Red and Blue)
Penn Quakers vs Brown Bears
October 28th, 2006
The Penn Band would like to extend a warm welcome to all of the alumni in attendance today, especially those who will celebrate your decennial reunions next May.
To the class of 2007, … wait, you’re not alumni yet.
To the class of 1997, I bet you never looked at a cigar in the same way again.
To the class of 1987, the entire freshman class was born after you graduated.
To the class of 1977, remember Greer Cheeseman? Yeah, he's still here. Also, disco sucked.
To the class of 1967, dude, we don't remember the sixties either.
To the class of 1957, in case you haven't heard, the Cold War is over. You can stop hoarding Chef Boyardee.
To the class of 1947, we were all on the Dewey bandwagon too.
To the class of 1937, it's 69 years later and Princeton still (stage aside) wait, can we say that? No?
To the class of 1927, remember when stacked Yankee lineups actually delivered?
To the class of 1917, World War I: Great War or the greatest war?
To the class of 1907, raise your hand if you’re still alive. (pause) That’s what we thought.
To the class of 1897, do you regret founding the Penn Band yet?
Finally, to the class of 1747, wait, there is no class of 1747? According to my t-shirt, Penn was founded in 1740. I just don't understand.
(Form Vortex, play Time Warp)
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Penn Quakers at Princeton Tigers
November 4, 2006
Entrance: Converging Vs
Script:
I'm sure you're all familiar with Tom Wallace, the most celebrated marching band
arranger of our generation and an inspiration to us all. While his arrangements
are cultural landmarks sure to stand the test of time, his personal life remains
largely a mystery. Today, the Penn Band endeavors to break the silence as we
present our tribute to Tom Wallace. Tom, the result of a night of shared passion
between Babe Ruth and Harriet Tubman, was raised by carnies and spent his
childhood barnstorming around the country learning how to capture that special
magic in every note. In his youth, he had a brief love affair with Helen Keller
but he broke it off, claiming "we just don't talk anymore."
(Form TOM, play Everybody Needs Somebody to Love)
After a series of disastrous financial missteps, Tom Wallace found himself mired
in debt and living in a yurt with a mysterious woman known only as Grandma. He
spent a few years doing freelance arranging and bussing tables at a Waffle House
in Macon, Georgia, just waiting for his big break. One night, in one of his
mescaline-induced reveries, Wallace was inspired to create the most innovative,
groundbreaking utensil in the history of man: the Spork. The windfall he reaped
from this invention put him back in the black and allowed him to begin his
meteoric rise to arranging fame.
(Form Spork, play Back in Black)
On his way to becoming the modern Mozart, the Shostakovich of the South, the
Mahler of Macon, one final obstacle stood in Tom Wallace's path: arranging
arch-nemesis Dr. Kushol Gupta. The rivalry festered for many years until, one
fateful evening, in a fit of rage, Tom destroyed Dr. Gupta's house, stole all of
his possessions, and carried off his wife and two children in a burlap sack. At
this point, his hegemony over the arranging world was established and Tom was
free to pursue his lifelong dream of building a scale model of the Palace of
Versailles out of K'nex. Long live Tom Wallace!
(Form house, roof collapses during song, play Tear the Roof off the Sucker)
Hey Tom Wallace, we love you.
Please rise for the Red and the Blue
(Form P, play Red and Blue)
Nicknames:
Director Greer "Gimme Some Lovin" Cheeseman
Assistant Director Adam "Land of 1000 Dances" Sherr
Assistant Director Kushol "Who Let the Dogs Out" Gupta
President Lisa "Disco Inferno" Fiorenzo
Vice President Brian "Think" Phillips
Treasurer Eamonn "Hey Baby" O'Callaghan
Secretary Pamela "I Can't Turn You Loose" Rist
Drum Major Brian "Rescue Me" Phillips
Highball Toast:
Today's Highball Toast goes out to the American electorate. Voting is your civic
duty.
Adjective:
Scrumptrulescent
Penn vs. Harvard (11/11/06):
Entrance: Run-on from front sideline to form tunnel
Welcome back to the Nickelodeon Games and Sports Network. Today, the Penn Band
seniors will compete in a series of events to determine who will graduate and
who will…not.
Introducing today's contestants:
First, on the Blue Barracudas:
Chirayu Patel from Bellingham, Massachusetts. Chirayu likes pineapple on his
pizza and math is his favorite subject in school.
Matt Conrad from Manalapan, New Jersey. Matt's favorite color is blue and he has
a two-pronged fork.
On the Red Jaguars:
Matt Meltzer from Glen Rock, New Jersey. Matt collects baseball cards and he
hates his sister.
Carina Wells from Farmington, Connecticut . Carina likes to play jacks and she
wants to fireman when she grows up.
On the Green Monkeys:
Jeanne Roig-Irwin from New York, New York. Jeanne's favorite baseball team is
the Yankees and her favorite book is The Indian in the Cupboard.
Pamela Rist from West Orange, New Jersey. Pamela likes horsebackriding and
baking chocolate chip cookies.
Finally, on the Silver Snakes:
Brian Phillips from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania . Brian's favorite movie is Rookie
of the Year and he wants to be an astronaut when he grows up.
Lisa Fiorenzo from Wyckoff (WHY-cough), New Jersey. Lisa's favoritecolor is teal
and she likes to burn ants with a magnifying glass.
Sofia Khan from Rahway, New Jersey. Sofia likes to tap dance and recess is her
favorite part of going to school.
The objective of this challenge is to navigate the maze and retrieve the lost
Quaker mascot while avoiding the temple guards and successfully piecing together
the shrine of the Silver Monkey in order to appease Olmec. Good luck to all of
our contestants. Ready, set, go!
(Form maze, play Jungle Boogie)
Next, our contestants will enter The Video Zone as they attempt to outwit
Merlock, a wily wizard, in a virtual reality world. Will Merlock reign supreme,
or are our contestants smart enough to realize that they're merely competing
against a blue screen? Winners will receive a Schwinn mountain bike, and
runners-up will take home a King-sized bag of Skittles. On your mark, get set,
GO!
(Form Pac Man, play Video Killed the Radio Star)
Finally, the Penn Band asks our contestants "Do you have it?" They're going to
have to show some real 'guts' to win the final challenge: a race up the steep
cliff of the agro-crag. With all those Styrofoam rocks and glitter cascading
down on them, I'll be surprised if anyone even reaches the summit! But these
kids have been training for months, and this could be where all their hard work
pays off. On your mark, get set, GO!
(Form a piece of the radical rock, play Rocky)
We yearn for the days of slimy green goo,
Now please rise for the Red and the Blue.
(Form P, play Red
and Blue)
Nicknames:
Director Greer "Ug" Cheeseman
Assistant Director Adam "Stick Stickly" Sherr
Assistant Director Kushol "Mark Somers" Gupta
President Lisa
"Mo" Fiorenzo
Vice President Brian "Omar Gooding" Phillips
Treasurer Eamonn "The Ferg" O'Callaghan
Secretary Pamela "Clarisa" Rist
Drum Major Brian "Mike O'Malley" Phillips
Highball Toast: Today's highball toast goes out to the Penn class of 2007. It's
X days until graduation. Live them up because it's all down hill from there.
Adjective: Nicktastic
Penn vs Cornell (11/18/2006):
Entrance: Flutes frolic, all else trudge onto the field.
Script:
It has become tradition among Ivy League scramble bands to playfully mock the opposing school during halftime shows and the Penn Band had been no different. However, in recent shows, the biting, satirical commentary has left many of our members ashamed to be a part of the organization and, frankly, quite distraught. On the way to Ithaca, these disgruntled band members, who shall be referred to simply as "girly types" or "the flutes" staged a bloody putsch and guillotined the members of the show writing committee, which also explains why the Penn Band is somewhat diminutive today. They allowed this very gracious yet reluctant narrator to live but have threatened to force me to watch Sleepless in Seattle for twenty-four hours straight should I deviate from their script. It promises to be totally G-rated; I mean, how could a group of innocent Gilmore Girl watching, Harry Potter reading, Disney-loving flautists possibly offend anyone's sensibilities.
(Form smiley face, play Mickey Mouse March)
Once upon a time, in the far, far away land of cheese steaks and, uh, sisterly love, there lived a little girl named Piccolo, who spent her days frolicking in the many flowery meadows and babbling brooks of West Philadelphia. Although her childhood was mildly enjoyable, something was missing, and by something we mean a certain something that cannot be mentioned if this show is to maintain its G rating; let's just call it her handsome prince. One day, while picnicking alongside the Schuylkill Expressway and feasting upon a delectable assortment of chalupas, quesadillas, and gorditas from the local Taco Bell, a rabies-infested squirrel colony lept out of a trashcan and went directly for her eyes. Luckily for her, the only male nursing student at Penn walked by at that very moment – it was love at first immunization
(Form heart, play Accidentally in Love)
Romantic strolls down Girard Avenue, getting matching Mickey Mouse and Monica Lewinsky tattoos, attending Eagles games in full body paint, and holding up twenty WaWa's in five days – the couple quickly became inseparable. They were married in Intercourse, Pennsylvania and had 2.6 lovely, yet tone-deaf children named Agamemnon, the Pillsbury Doughboy and Sea Biscuit. They bought a house in Upper Darby, and lived happily ever…Uugh! I just threw up in my mouth a little. Happy ending? There is no such thing as a happy ending, unless the story ends with the Eagles winning the Super Bowl and we all know that's never going to happen! I give up. Tom Hanks, Meg Ryan, I've got my box of tissues ready – it's going to be a long ride home.
(Form box of tissues, play Growing Up)
The Penn Band apologizes for the flute coup
Please rise for the Red and the Blue.
(Form P, play Red and Blue)