2007 Season
vs Lafayette
September 15th, 2007
Home Opener - Welcome Back Show
Dorothy - Wow, NSO was a whirlwind and now I'm here in Philadelphia. Penn sure isn't like Topeka High. People here wear funny shoes with fur and have sunglasses that make them look like bugs! And it feels like everyone is from New Jersey. I just want to go home!
College - Dude… why would you want to go home? Well, if you do, just follow red brick Locust Walk to the mossy Emerald colored College Hall, to see the Wonderful Amy. But make sure you don't step on the Compass!
Dorothy - And who might you be?
College - I'm a college student, a 21st century Film Studies Major. Kal Penn is my advisor, isn't that awesome? But actually, I should go with you to College Hall. Apparently I need to find a career, or something.
Form: JOB
Play: Carry On
Dorothy - AAAAAH. It's a vampire.
Engineer - No, no, I'm not a vampire, I'm just in the School of Engineering and Applied Science. This semester I'm taking Soft Materials 330 and Space-Time Manipulation 101.
Dorothy - ….Oh, ok….
Engineer - Yeah, I spend all my free time creating a time-machine so that I can go back and relive my college years. Only next time, maybe I'll try leaving my room.
Dorothy - You know, we're already going to go see the Wonderful Amy. Maybe she can help you get a life.
Engineer - Really? Ooooo, or maybe a girlfriend…
Form: Clock
Play: Time Warp
Dorothy - Armani Suit…silk tie….I guess you must be from Wharton.
Wharton - Well, it was a pittance after my high powered internship with General Motors over the summer. I was so efficient, they fired 3 of their actual employees. Muahahahah (evil laugh).
Dorothy - But…that doesn't seem very nice.
Wharton - Who said anything about nice? It will look great on my resume!
Dorothy - Maybe you should come with us. We're going to College Hall, to see Amy. If we hurry, she might be able to get you your soul back.
Wharton - Well, I did have a hostile takeover of another Management group planned for this afternoon, but that sounds worthwhile too.
Form: $
Play: Big Spender
Dorothy - Look, we made it!
Amy - Yes, you have arrived at College Hall. Now I will grant all your requests.
Dorothy - Oh wonderful.
Amy - To you, College student, I give a professorship at Lehigh, because anyone can do that. And to you, Whartonite, I give this horcrux. Keep it safe, and it will always provide you with at least some semblance of a soul. And to you, my good engineer, I give this copy of World of Warcraft. If you can't have a real life, at least you can have a virtual one. And now Dorothy, just click your red and blue slippers together 3 times, and you will be home.
Dorothy - Woah! (Whooshing noise here) But where am I? No air conditioning, tiny room, I must be at my home in Hill. This must be why I miss Kansas so much.
Form: AMY
Play: Over the Rainbow
Oh yeah, and there's a nursing school too.
Now please rise for The Red and Blue.
Form: R + B
Play: R + B
at Dartmouth
September 22nd, 2007
So after 20 hours cooped up on a Greyhound bus, we finally made it over the border, eh? It was a long trip, but if we do start to feel the effects of exhaustion, at least we can take advantage of your universal health care system, eh? We're just glad the Mounties didn't come break up our exotic table tennis game, eh?
Form: HMO
Play: Blame Canada
Even us Yanks know about the Big Green Thumb that your nation and Dartmouth fortuitously share. And that's why we need your help. You see, our drum major is afflicted with glaucoma, which has put the Penn Band's famous precision and lockstep discipline in peril. We were hoping that you could hook us up with some (ahem) non-traditional remedies that you just can't get in the States. Please, she's really hurting, man.
FORM: DRE
PLAY: The Next Episode
Despite the pesky Separatists, Celine Dion, and Dartmouth College, you Canadians have done a lot for us. Degrassi, Rush, Canadian Bacon, Poutine, and of course Wolverine. So here's to you, America Junior, please stand and honor OUR home country.
Form: American Flag
Play: God Bless America
Hockey's no fun, you know it's true
Now please rise for the Red and Blue
at Villanova
September 29th, 2007
We'd like to start off with a great big Shalom to our friends here at Villanova. For those of you who have never met a Jew, that means hello, or peace. As you probably do not know, today is Yom Kippur, the day of atonement for a number of us at Penn. While it is the holiest day of the year, a little known fact is that it is also the funkiest day of the year.
Form: Peace sign
Play: Tear the Roof
In the spirit of forgiveness, the Penn Band has some things we would like to apologize for. We're sorry for annexing Drexel and buying all of Philadelphia. We're sorry for Donald Trump's hair. We're sorry for the toast that will have been thrown onto your field. We're sorry that we play your fight song better than you, and we're sorry for decimating the salmon population, because a bagel is worthless without lox.
Form: Fish
Play: V for Villanova
But of course, the only way to show you are truly repentant is to starve yourself. That's why we haven't eaten all day. At this point, even the toast is starting to look good. But soon the sun will set, and we will be able to break our fast. Now, we're just counting down the seconds.
Form: Bagel
Play: Final Countdown
Now that you're experts on all things Jew
Please rise for the Red and Blue
vs Georgetown
October 6th, 2007
It's so nice that you could come up from our nation's capital for this game between the Washington Generals and the Pennsylvania Quakers. Welcome to Philadelphia, home to one of the most corrupt governments in America. I bet your mayor never had his office wiretapped by the FBI. Wait, he smoked crack? With a prostitute? I guess you win.
Form: Bell
Play: Liberty Bell March
We could never hope to compete with the political powerhouses in the federal government. The CIA, NSA, DOJ, LOL, all those letters, no wonder all those VIP's needed some stress relief from the D.C. Madam… or anyone who happened to be in the next stall. Now tap your foot along to the Franklin Field March.
Form: LOL
Play: FF March
It must be really fascinating going to Georgetown right now. I mean, the best school in the DC-metropolitan area is within walking distance. And of course, you're also home to the most powerful man in our government, Dick Cheney. Don't blame me, I voted for Kodos.
Form: GWB to GWU
Play: The Simpsons
So you're from the capital; well woop-de-doo
You still must rise for the Red and Blue
at Columbia
October 13th, 2007
**Band was there, but no show was performed! Grr....
vs Yale
October 20th, 2007
Homecoming
PENNSYLVANIA entrance
OK, the time is now, and the place is Penn. Are we talking about the new capital campaign? No, enough people are talking about that...all the time. We're talking about breaking the World Record for the world's largest baton...if you know what I mean. And when we say now, we mean right now. Please direct your attention to mid-field, where the Penn Band will attempt to break the record. And please also note our special guest soloist on the cymbals, from the class of 1956, the head coach of Penn’s fencing teams and Penn Band alumnus, David Micahnik.
Form: UP
Play: Band March
(read while script Penn is forming)
Our celebrity witnesses will now authenticate this achievement, so we can provide proper documentation to Guinness. Paul Williams, President, Penn Alumni, and Hoopes Wampler, Assistant Vice President of Alumni Relations, will confirm the dimension and construction of the baton, and, and prominent members of our community, will serve as the official witnesses of this historical performance in our submission to Guinness.
I suppose we should inform you that the soon-to-be-former record holder is the Harvard University Band, which set the previous record a year ago with a mere 12 foot baton. Congratulations to the Yale Band for being on hand to witness this historic shaming of your archrival. Shattering the record by 3 feet, it's clear that Harvard just wasn't up to snuff. Put simply, bigger is better.
The baton’s held together with nano-glue,
Now will you all please rise for the Red and Blue.
at Brown
October 27th, 2007
To start off, we'd like to wish everyone here at Brown a happy Halloween, or as we like to say, Challoween. But the whole ride up here, there was just one thing on all our minds. Question: What is the best type of bear? Fact: Not Brown.
Form: Pumpkin
Play: The Office
When we were trick-or-treating around Providence last night, there were all manner of ghouls about. But the best costume we saw was some guy dressed like an authentic inmate, all mike-ed up like he had his own radio show. He said something about no one being able to keep him locked up. What was his name, Buddy Something-or-other?
Form: MOB
Play: The Great Escape
Walking around Brown's campus, we certainly noticed all the unique costumes. It looks like having a major in Knitting Techniques really paid off. The most impressive thing was how scary you all looked...........Even without masks.
Form: AHH
Play: Thriller
Monsters and ghosts may scare with a "Boo!"
But they still rise for the Red and Blue
vs Princeton
November 3rd, 2007
(Family Weekend)
The Quakers are here to play ball
And Princeton is in for a fall.
You act like a tool
While eating your gruel
In your fancy dining hall
Form: EAT
Play: Gummy Bears
Princeton you're in for a shock
As the Quakers run down the clock
it would be so sublime
if you left at halftime
only after eating our...lunch
Form: Lunchbox
Play: Theme from Shaft
Well you now have an empty nest
And joke that it’s the best
If only you'd known
that you'd die alone
You never would have made that jest
Form: Tombstone
Play: Freebird
Family weekend is almost through.
So we must bid you adieu.
But before you go
Would leave us some dough,
And please rise for the Red and Blue.
From: R+B
Play: Red and Blue
at Harvard
November 10th, 2007
Pregame (in the language of Azeri):
1. Ladies and gentleman, introducing The Huge, the Enormous, the Well-Endowed, Undefeated, Ivy League Champion, University of Pennsylvania Oxymoronic Fighting Quaker Marching Band! The band is under the direction of
1. Eziz Khanimlar ve Beyler. Buyurun, garshinizda Udja, Mohteshem, Badjarigli, Yenilmez, “Ivy League” Chempionu, Pensilvaniya Univeristetinin Peltek Doyushgen Quaker Yuruyen Musigi Destesi! Destenin numayendeleri:
Director Greer Cheeseman
Direktor Green Pendirman (Cheeseman)
Assistant Director Kushol Gupta
Komekchi Direktor Kushel Gupta
Assistant Director Adam Sherr
Komekchi Direktor Adam Sherr
President Becca Goldman
Prezident Bekka (Gizilman) Goldman
Vice President Benjamin Gaines
Vitse Prezident Bunyamin (Benjamin) Gaines
Treasurer Eamonn O'Callaghan
Muhasib Eamonn O’Callaghan
Secretary Lindsey Allwine
Katib Lindsey Allwine
Drum Major Becca Goldman and Koob
Nagharachi Mayor Becca Goldman ve Koob
2. Today's Highball Toast goes out to M.I.T., the finest school in Cambridge.
Bugunun en Boyuk Tostunu, Cambridge’in en yaxshi universiteti, M.I.T’ye gonderirik.
3. Please rise for the Alma Mater of the University of Pennsylvania.
Sizi Pensilvaniya Universitetinin himni uchun ayagha galxmagha chaghiriram.
Halftime:
The Penn Band has taken some flak recently from the Harvard Band for mimicking it, and creating the world's new largest baton. We thought Harvard was above such petty rivalries, but it appears not. Our baton is bigger than yours, deal with it. And yes, we are compensating for our small endowment.
Form: Cents sign (c w/ line)
Play: All the Small Things
In all honesty, you guys started copying us a few months ago, when you first realized how much better we are. I mean, you even took one of our professors to be your President. Don't worry, she couldn't do math or science at Penn either.
Form: Pi symbol
Play: Girls Just Wanna Have Fun
You also seem intent on copying our strategy of winning in Ivy League basketball. I guess you were tired of being beat year after year after year. But your attempt to copy us here has been foiled. For you see, Penn doesn't accept Michigan rejects.
Form: Basketball
Play: NCAA on CBS
Come back soon, we miss you Drew
Now please rise for the Red and Blue
Form: UP
Play: Red and Blue