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Music:

2008 Season

Penn vs Dartmouth

We in the Penn Band pride ourselves on our worldliness, so naturally we try to keep up with the goings on in New Hampshire's cultural capital, Hanover.  The recent scuttlebutt in this Paris on the Connecticut is about the resignation of Dartmouth president James Wright.  We would like to take this opportunity to help our Big Green brothers by suggesting a few worthy candidates for this important position.

Form: Question Mark

Play: Since U Been Gone

Buddy Teevens already has extensive knowledge of Hanover from his two stints as Dartmouth's head football coach, as well as experience with mediocrity from all his head coaching jobs.  And from his years at Stanford, he even has experience working at a legitimate educational institution.

Form: Football

Play: NFL on Fox

Our next candidate has tons of experience as a completely unqualified candidate, so we believe Alaska governor Sarah Palin could overcome her lack of background in academia. Her many qualifications include firsthand knowledge of diverse undergraduate institutions and her enthusiasm for favored activities of the college set, such as grizzly bear hunting … and other fun things.

Form: Baby Rattle

Play: Sweet Child 'o Mine

Dartmouth, the choice is up to you

Now please rise for The Red and Blue

Form: R + B

Play: Red and Blue

Penn vs Columbia

The Penn Band would like to welcome our friends from New York City to our pleasant little burg on the banks of the Delaware River. We really appreciate the sacrifice you have made to be here today because we know our small town ways can’t compete with the cosmopolitanism of New York, the ONLY CITY IN AMERICA. What will you do without those regional cuisine staples that are only found in New York, the pizza and the bagel?

Form: Bagel

Play: Rescue Me

Here in Philadelphia, everything moves at a slower pace than you might be used to in the Big Apple. Our cab drivers drive a mere 30 miles per hour over the speed limit while not looking at the road. Our baseball team wins their division at the end of the season rather than at the beginning. And our hip young band Zombie Monday through Thursday has yet to crack the top 40, but we’re sure that their Phil Collins-influenced pop will grace your iPods soon enough.

Form: an iPod

Play: Slow Ride

New Yorkers often have difficulty finding time to say entire words. After all, your life is bound to be hectic if you write for a fashion magazine, write a blog about fashion magazines, write a blog about fashion blogs, or work for reckless financial institutions. Accordingly, New Yorkers use all sorts of newfangled abbreviations, what with your BFF’s, your OMFG’s, and your XOXO’s. We’d like to salute the only two abbreviations we hold dear in our humble town: the good old USA and its favorite beverage, PBR.

Form: PBR

Play: Free Bird

Penn vs Yale

Although we visit New Haven at least once a year, we in the Penn Band realized that we actually know very little about South Central Connecticut’s most important port. We always thought of New Haven as New York’s red headed stepchild that is also given weekly noogies by Boston, which we think of as New Haven’s lecherous uncle. After doing some scholarly research on Wikipedia, we learned some interesting facts about New Haven in its own right, not just in relation to real cities:

Form: Dollar Sign

Play: Big Spender

In our research, we discovered that New Haven is much more than the personal fiefdom of Lord Yale. Upon consulting future-pedia, we learned that it will be the site of the 2517 A.D. Second Battle of New Haven, in which the intergalactic armada of Lord Glozion (pronounced GLO-zee-on) will crush the last bastion of human resistance under the leadership of US President RoboPalin 10.1.  All hail Lord Glozion! All hail Lord Glozion! ALL HAIL LORD GLOZION!

Form: Flying Saucer

Play: Star Wars

Lord Glozion commands all to rise in respectful silence as the list of the fallen heroes of the Second Battle of Easton is read aloud:

Thank you.

Form: Parade Block whilst alien saluting

Play: Intergalactic Battle Anthem

Lord Glozion demands obedience from you

Now please rise for the Red and Blue

Form: R+B

Play: Red and Blue

Penn vs Brown (Homecoming)

Pregame:

1. Ladies and gentleman, introducing The Huge, the Enormous, the Well-Endowed,

Undefeated, Augmented, Ivy League Champion, University of Pennsylvania

Oxymoronic Fighting Quaker Marching Band!  The band is under the direction of

Form: PENN

Play: Cheer Penn

2. Today's Highball Toast goes out to Penn alumni, and future Penn alumni, of

all ages!

Form: Highball

Play: Highball

3. Please rise for the Alma Mater of the University of Pennsylvania.

Form: Big P

Play: Alma Mater

 

Halftime:

 

Entrance: Lying down Pennsylvania

 

1. Welcome back Penn alumni for another exciting homecoming weekend of

football and tax write-offs!  The Making History campaign is off to a rip-

roaring start, but we're getting concerned about the dire state of the

economy.  How will the band's graduating seniors pay their tribute considering

the difficulty we'll have finding employment in this year's anemic job market?

We're thinking about entering the adult world in more ways than one.

 

Form: cent sign

Play: Centerfold

 

2. The Penn Band is dismayed about the negative tone this election has taken. 

Here are some of the unfair smears we've been hearing:

 

- The Penn Band can only provide "erratic and uncertain leadership in these

uncertain times."

- The Penn Band says that America has become "a nation of whiners."

- The Penn Band "hates real Americans that work, accomplish, and achieve."

- The Penn Band is the least patriotic, least God-loving, and least patriotic

part of Eastern Pennsylvania, which is the least patriotic and least God-

loving part of America.

- Band director Greer Cheeseman is a "washed-up terrorist."

 

As well-informed citizens, we hope that you won't fall for these sickening

tactics.  When you take an honest look at our record, you'll see the truth of

our slogan:

 

Vote for the Penn Band and we'll work for you / Now please rise for the Red

and Blue

 

Form: Script Penn

Play: Red and Blue

Penn vs Princeton

And what a historic week it was for real and fake America alike! Can the Penn Band recap all of the big news from this week in one halftime show? Yes we can!  There was big sports news in Philadelphia when a local boxing champion, with help from his former rival Apollo Creed, fought to regain his world title from the brutal Clubber Lang. After his long-time trainer died from a blow from Lang, our local hero wanted revenge, and the fight lived up to Clubber Lang's prediction of pain.

Form: III

Play: Eye of the Tiger

The big story in New York City this week was the heroism of three former parapsychology professors.  The evil deity Gozer, who was very big in Sumeria, entered our world through an interdimensional portal created by the renegade architect Ivo Shandor.  Despite the interference of the smarmy EPA agent Walter Peck, our intrepid heroes crossed the streams of their proton packs and saved the city from Gozer's marauding incarnation, the stay-puft marshmallow man.

Form: Circle with slash through it

Play: Ghostbusters

If Wednesday in New York was exciting, Thursday was even more shocking. Our heroes were at it again when the spirit of the medieval warlord Vigo the Carpathian inhabited the body of an art museum curator and kidnapped a baby.  Fortunately, a supernatural slime animated the Statue of Liberty, which attacked the museum and enabled our heroes to save the baby. It was a weird week.

Form: Circle with slash through it times 2

Play: Ghostbusters

Remember there was an election too

Now please rise for the Red and Blue

Form: R+B

Play: Red and Blue

Penn vs Harvard

(crazy Scottish accent) …demand repeal of the halibut tax!

We interrupt C-SPAN’s regularly scheduled broadcast of Prime Minister’s Questions to bring you the hearings of the Penn Band Un-American Activities Committee. Director Greer Cheeseman is naming names of his senior members who are guilty of subversive plots against this great university.  Perhaps there’s something to this red and blue scare after all.

Cheeseman has suspicions about the corrupt seniors known as the “trumpet gang.” He alleges that Erik Hickman, Erin Sullivan, Kevin Rakszawski, and Meredith Boehm took kickbacks in return for no-bid leases on the valuable postal lands to clarinets and all-around slick operators Anthony Campisi and Alyssa Sclafani.  And trumpet president Ben Gaines was ignorant about the whole thing. 

Form: LAND

Play: Land of 1,000 Dances

Cheeseman has accused the low brass seniors of embezzling money from the Making History campaign and funneling it into their communist cell.  Yvette Aikins, their woman on the inside, sends the funds to their moneymen, Eamonn O’Callaghan and Nate Weiner, who launder the money and siphon it to the cell’s leader, John Palusci.  Palusci then distributes the cash to the cell’s recruiting arm, which consists of Propaganda Minister Michael Kettler, Chief Seductress Karen Ryall, and Chief Seductor Noah Becker.

Form: Dollar Sign

Play: Big Spender

Cheeseman’s final accusation involves the band’s most innocent-seeming section.  He alleges that senior flutes Jen Johnson and Becca Bauer are really infiltrators from our archenemy, Harvard.  They are the handlers for senior percussionists and nuclear engineers Hal Emmer and TJ Davis, whom Cheeseman has accused of selling valuable nuclear secrets to our big bad red enemies. Fortunately, humanities students and proud Quakers Dan Ross and Zach Noyce have done the right thing and turned in their treacherous percussion colleagues.

Form: Mushroom Cloud

Play: The Kids Aren’t Alright

Now that we’ve removed all the Reds for you

We ask you to rise for the Blue and Blue

Form: R+B

Play: R+B

Penn vs Cornell

PRE-GAME

Ladies and gentleman, introducing The Huge, the Enormous, the Well-Endowed, Undefeated, Entertaining, Ivy League Champion, University of Pennsylvania Oxymoronic Fighting Quaker Marching Band!  The band is under the direction of

Form: PENN

Play: Cheer Penn

Today's Highball Toast goes out to the 2008 Penn football team.

Congratulations on a great season!

Form: Highball

Play: Highball

Without it’s agricultural school, we wouldn’t have cabbage. At least not modern cabbage.  Please rise for the Alma Mater of the University of Pennsylvania.

Form: Big P

Play: Alma Mater

 

HALFTIME

We in the Penn Band are truly honored to have been invited to play for the fans at Schoellkopf Field.  Opportunities like this do not come around every year!  The best part of playing at Schoellkopf Field is the dedicated Cornell fans.  Their vociferous, rambunctious rooting makes them one of the top 5 fan sections in all of the Ivy League.  Also, congratulations to the Cornell Men's Basketball team for breaking the 20-year hegemony of P's atop the Ivy League standings.  Coach Donahue will always be near and dear to our hearts from his days with the Quakers!

Form: Big C

Play: Give My Regards to Davy

Cornellians are also known for the ice cream produced by their school of agriculture, the fine hospitality provided by their school of hotel administration, and their collection of Nobel Prize winners in the sciences. Speaking of sciences, Cornell has produced Bill Nye, famous television personality and purveyor of coolness in the sciences.  The contributions of Cornell alumni are not limited to the sciences, as the Big Red has produced great political minds such as Keith Olbermann and Ann Coulter and the sporting svengali, NHL commissioner Gary Bettman. Nifty!

Form: Big C

Play: Far Above Cayuga’s Waters

We hope we've entertained you, the fans at Schoelkopff Stadium today, for that was our goal.  We'd also like to congratulate the seniors of the Cornell Band.  We're sure it will be tough to leave the town of Ithaca, its beautiful gorges, and its raucous Collegetown, but we're sure you won't miss those hills! Remember, you can take the bando out of the band but you can't take the band out of the bando!  In that spirit, our drum major, senior John Palusci, is conducting his final football game today, so we will now play his original composition, The Caboff March, to celebrate the occasion!

Form: Big C

Play: Caboff March

Cornell, we are eternally grateful to you

But we request that you rise for the Red and Blue

Form: R+B

Play: Red and Blue