2009 Season
vs Cornell at Franklin Field - 11/14/2009
We were thinking about Cornell in preparation for this show but realized something. Cornell is boring; in fact it’s the least interesting University in the world. So instead of writing a show based on your enticing gorges, crazy Ithaca townies and the fact that you stole your fight song from a Broadway musical, here’s a show about the Penn Band senior class. Because to be honest, we have the most interesting senior class in the world.
The Penn Band doesn’t always play Kelly Clarkson songs, but when it does, it prefers “Since You’ve Been Gone.”
Band forms XX plays Since U Been Gone.
Sandra Mazlagic orders from Genos --- in Spanish. Lindsey Allwine ended the SEPTA strike – with her bare hands. Roger Weber made the Bengals relevant again, simply by hoping. Michael Wojcik can speak French in German. And Zach Klitzman can be in two places at once – while conducting TFC faster than anyone.
The Penn Band seniors are heading to Venus, and still they stand tall. They don’t always visit Europe, but when they do, they prefer the Final Countdown.
Band forms EU plays Final Countdown
Joe Coyne made the Prince the Pauper, surrealism real and existentialism terrestrial. Rebecca Aaberg created world peace -- by suggesting it. Carly Weiss found Waldo and knows where in the world Carmen Sandiego is. Brian Wright killed Mufasa. Tory Gobat built the Hot Tamale train. And Joe Catania once had a free lunch.
The Penn Band senior class does it on top of the Button. They’ll be leaving here tomorrow. Will you still remember them? The Penn Band doesn’t always play Southern Rock anthems, but when it does, it prefers Free Bird.
Band forms the Button, plays Free Bird
Class of 2010, this show’s for you,
Now please rise for the Red and Blue
Band forms 10 and plays R+B
at Harvard - 11/14/2009
So looks like both the Harvard and Penn football teams have been on fire recently. Of course there were other sports teams going ablaze in late October, too. Both the Red Sox and Phillies World Series hopes went up in flames in the playoffs and now both of our devastated cities share the same "burning" hatred of the Yankees. If only our teams had spent even more millions than we already do.
Band forms ¢, plays “Big Spender”
All of this fire talk reminded us of another famous fire...the burning of Rome. Nero is said to have started the fire himself in order the build a golden house. He even fiddled during the burning instead of helping to douse it. Let’s hope that Harvard President Drew Gilipin Faust doesn’t do the same to cash in on some insurance claims after Harvard’s endowment dropped 22 percent.
Unfortunately our first script got burned up, so all we can offer you now is a list of famous fires: The Burning of the Great Library of Alexandria, the Great Chicago fire of 1871, The Hindenburg, the burning of a church in New York this past Halloween, Donald Trump’s signature catchphrase and what Harvard Athletics will do to Tommy Amaker after he undercoaches the Crimson yet again.
Fortunately we here at Penn know that we will be safe because of the fire fighting legacy of our founder Benjamin Franklin, who was dedicated to putting out all fires. Except for those on the dance floor (assuming 1776 was historically accurate).
Band forms BF, plays “Disco Inferno”
And there’s also the classic fire of --- wait a minute what’s that burnt smell. Oh my god it’s the Swedish Chef! He was brewing a mean stew after the pregame show, but he’s set fire to the press area! What’s going on?!
Surry fur cooseeng zee fure-a here-a et Herferd Stedeeoom. I ves useeng my fureerm tu cuuk sume-a Svedeesh meetbells, vheen buum she-a gues oon fure-a. Eet it Creemsun. Bork Bork Bork.
Band forms Chef’s hat, plays “Fire”
Charizard, Harvard chooses you,
Now please rise for the Red and Blue
Band forms/plays R + B
Princeton at Franklin Field - HOMECOMING! - 11/7/2009
Welcome all Penn alumni to the 2009 Homecoming game. As this is the 270th year of the University, we’d like to commemorate the founding of this great institution, which is the fifth, no wait fourth college, no wait first University in America. Originally our founding date was considered 1749. Shortly thereafter, Princeton tried to one up us, claiming that the rural state school was founded in 1746. But as our great founder Benjamin Franklin said, “a stitch in time saves nine,” so in 1899 the trustees of Penn decided to lop off several years, “asserting” the founding date to be 1740. So Quaker fans, never quit thinkin’ we’re better and older than those pesky pussycats from Princeton. Band forms ’49, changes to ’40 during playing of Don’t Stop Believin' In honor of our patriotic patriarch and his predilection for pithy pronouncements, The Penn Band would like to assert the proper wording of the following historical proclamations: “The Penn Band is mightier than the Sword” “Veni, Vedi, Penn Band” “Give me Liberty! Or give me the Penn Band!” “The only thing we have to fear is the Penn Band itself” “Let the Penn Band eat cake” “Damn the Princeton Band, full speed ahead” “And God said, ‘let there be the Penn Band’” “The Penn Band is the opiate of the people” “Keep your friends close and the Penn Band closer.” “One man’s trash is another man’s Penn Band.” “The Penn Band, like fish, begins to smell after three days.” “If you can’t stand the Penn Band, get out of the stadium.” “The Princeton Band by any other name would still have ugly uniforms” "I think, therefore, Penn Band." "Eich bin ein Penn Band-er." "Tippecanoe and Cheeseman, too." "Speak softly and carry a big Penn Band." "Loose lips sink the Penn Band." "The Penn Band is dead, and we have killed it." "The reports of the Penn Band's death are greatly exaggerated." “Ask not what the Penn Band can do for you," And now please rise for the Red and Blue Band forms Script Penn and plays The Red and Blueat Brown - 10/31/2009
Introducing The Huge, The Enormous, The Well-Endowed, Undefeated Ivy
League Champion, University of Pennsylvania Oxymoronic Hogswartsian
Fighting Quaker Marching Band!!
The band is under the direction of:
Director Greer “Dumbledore” Cheeseman
Assistant Director Kushol “Snape” Gupta
Assistant Director Adam “Hagrid” Sherr
President Joe “Draco Malfoy” Coyne
Vice President Zach “Neville Longbottom” Klitzman
Treasurer Gordon “Ernie Macmillan” Watkins
Secretary Jaci “Luna Lovegood” Rifkin
Drum Major Rebecca “Lavender Brown” Aaberg
Band plays “Cheer Penn” in Big P formation
Today’s high ball toast goes out to Penn grad student Susan Finkelstein for thinking of a creative way to score World Series tickets.
Band plays “Drink a High Ball” in high ball/martini formation
Stop, stop, stop! You're going to take someone's eye out. Besides, you're saying it wrong. It's LeviosA, not LeviosAR!
Please rise for the alma mater of the University of Pennsylvania.
Band plays “Alma Mater” in Big P formation
HALFTIME
We’ve been following the latest reports from Brown, and it seems that there’s a new menace in Providence among us. We’re not talking about Swine Flu, nor the pervasive drug culture on Brown’s campus nor Brown’s lax academic standards of the pass/fail system. No, the greatest evil surrounding Brown students is witchcraft. That magical tramp Hermione Granger is floating around Providence spreading satanic sorcery. And the Penn Band can’t stand by and watch our Ivy brethren fall under the captivating spell of this Mudblood. So in remembrance of those heroes of Salem,, we put that know- it-all Hermione Granger on trial for witchcraft.
Band forms witch’s hat and plays Pinball Wizard
First off it’s an abomination against god-fearing society to practice witchcraft. It distracts students from their precious pass/fail studies by making them focus on their wand work. Ms. Granger has corrupted a whole generation of youth, forcing them into a pact with a secret army of the Devil led by J.K. Rowling. These wayward youths have been forced to look away from their precious computer screens and actually read; what a step backwards for mankind.
So to those Brown students who have yet to be captivated by Ms. Granger’s presence, don’t be mislead by this jezebel. There is a way to avoid her trance: prayer, which can be just as effective as standard medicine. Or placebos.
Band forms pitchfork and plays Living on a Prayer
So what Ms. Granger needs to do is find a non-denominational god that she can believe in. Since she’s rich, famous and beautiful, we’re sure if she prays for change, God would actually listen to her. But if she doesn’t seek this redemption, she shall be burned at the stake! The cheese steak.
Now the band was going to form a burning cheese steak here, but unfortunately many bandos were too scared of being entranced by Hermione's spell to come, so instead we can only form an F for fire.
Band forms F and plays Fire
Dan Radcliffe’s an atheist too,
Now please rise for the Red and Blue
Band forms/plays R+B
Yale at Franklin Field - PARENT'S WEEKEND - 10/24/2009
PREGAME
Introducing The Huge, The Enormous, The Well-Endowed, Undefeated Ivy League Champion, University of Pennsylvania Oxymoronic Parental Fighting Quaker Marching Band!!
The band is under the direction of:
Director Greer “Lydia and Greer Jr” Cheeseman
Assistant Director Kushol “Shweata and Debal” Gupta
Assistant Director Adam “Bonnie and David” Sherr
President Joe “Eileen and Joe Sr.” Coyne
Vice President Zach “Justine and Steve” Klitzman
Treasurer Gordon “Sherry and Gordon II” Watkins
Secretary “Elissa (Alyssa) and Bob” Jaci Rifkin
Drum Major Rebecca “Phillis and David” Aaberg
Band plays “Cheer Penn” in U P formation
Today’s high ball toast goes out to all you younger siblings of Penn students. Sorry but after your parents paid for Penn once, they probably can’t pay for it again.
Band plays “Drink a High Ball” in high ball/martini formation
Parents are like telemarketers that you can't hang up on. They refuse to take you off their call list.
Please rise for the alma mater of the University of Pennsylvania.
Band plays “Alma Mater” in Big P formation
According to Greer the Band is to wait after Alma mater because there’s going to be a moment of silence. Then the band will play the Star Spangled Banner
HALFTIME
There once was a team from New Haven A Quaker defeat they were cravin’ But lacking true grit They decided to quit And screamed out of town like Wes Craven.Band forms RUN and plays “Thriller”
They must have it tough when recruiting New Haven’s the home of polluting Great pizzeria If you want diarrhea And always there’s plenty of shooting.
Band forms GAT and plays “Ruff Ryders”
Hello to you parents who came We hope that your kids seem the same They had lots of fun But H1N1 Could spoil things a bit -- what a shameBand forms PIG and plays “Sweet Child”
We hope we have entertained you We realize we’re no Motley Crue One last declaration [Note to Joe: Clear throat then SCREAM] Cash for libation! Now please rise for the Red and BlueBand forms/plays R+B
at Columbia - 10/17/2009
We’d like to thank you big city folk from Columbia for letting us come WAIT! STOP ENJOYING HOMECOMING!! The Penn Band has just received some horrific news from Apollo’s twitter page. The sun super nova’ed five minutes ago, which means we only have three minutes to perform this halftime show/live before the sun goes out. Since we don’t want to spend our last moments in Manhattan, let’s put this show in fast forward. Literally!
Band forms > > and plays FINAL COUNTDOWN
After sending a BBM back to Apollo to get the scoop during TFC, it turns out he had tried to get the sun the 2016 Olympics. But after Rio de Janeiro won out, the sun threw a hissy fit of Solar proportions. Hold on! Apollo just facebook chatted us. He convinced the sun to chill out and pull itself together. Guess the sun is just as easily stoppable as Dartmouth’s offense. So carry on Wayward Sun.
Band forms SUN and plays CARRY ON WAYWARD SON
Good thing the ‘nova wasn’t true
Now please rise for the Red and Blue
Bucknell at Franklin Field - 10/10/2009
Ladies and gentlemen, we
know you’re used to the Penn Band crafting a brilliant half-time show
mocking our opponent. But we couldn’t find anything funny to say about
Colgate. So today we’d like to present one of the greatest stories ever
told, a story that’s awesome and funky. Ladies and gentlemen, enjoy the
story of Slow Bird.
Band plays Tear the Roof band forms ^^
Slow Bird was born in a shabby-made nest in the middle of the Pennsylvania woods near Lewisburg. His mother never had the time to regurgitate food for him, as he was the youngest of 27 ugly chicks, (this is Lewisburg chicks we’re talking about). As a young hatchling his favorite musician was Charlie Parker, favorite athlete Larry Bird and favorite Senator Robert Byrd.
At the age of 18, he wanted to attend a bird institute of higher education to study nest engineering. Unfortunately, he was too slow to get into the University of Birdsylvania, so instead he created his own university, Birdnell. His founding principle was that no bird, slow or fast, should be denied an education due to the cawsts. So once he graduated with top honors from Birdnell, he decided to give full scholarships to any other dimwitted birds who wished to attend this fine institution in the middle of backwoods Pennsylvania.
Band plays “Free Ride” while forming $
During his senior year at Birdnell, the nest-building bubble crashed, so he wasn’t able to use his nest engineering degree. Instead he had to rely on his international advertising minor. As he was applying for jobs in the advertising world, he was quizzed on world anthems. However, he only knew Turkey’s national anthem. So he decided to go on a grand tour of Europe to learn more anthems. But unfortunately he was too slow to fly all the way across the Atlantic, so he bought a ticket at the General Stork to take a ship. That was a long journey.
Band plays “Slow Ride” and forms boat.
However, while somewhere near the Canary Islands, his ship was taken over by pirates led by captain Gray Beak. Old Gray Beak said to Slow Bird “I’ve sailed the seven seas, but the one thing I long to see is the shores of my native Estonia!” Scared by this menacing bird pirate, Slow Bird, without thinking, broke into a gorgeous song. It was “Mu isamaa, mu õnn ja rõõm” the Estonian National Anthem. The captain was so moved to tears that he freed Slow Bird. Wouldn’t you know it, it turned out Slow Bird knew the anthems all along. If there’s one thing to take from this extraordinary tale, it’s that you should be just like Slow Bird and follow your heart! THE END
Band plays Free Bird forms heart
Wait till next week and our show on fast shrew
Now please rise for the Red and Blue
Band forms and plays R + B
Pregame:
Introducing The Huge, The Enormous, The Well-Endowed, Undefeated Ivy League Champion, University of Pennsylvania Oxymoronic Avian Fighting Quaker Marching Band!!
The Band is under the direction of:
Director Greer “Cuckoo” Cheeseman
Assistant Director Kushol “Peafowl” Gupta
Assistant Director Adam “Great Bustard” Sherr
President Joe “Goldfinch” Coyne
Vice President Zach “Baltimore Oriole” Klitzman
Treasurer Gordon “Ruffed Gouse” Watkins
Secretary Jaci “Cooper’s Hawk” Rifkin
and Drum Major Rebecca “Eastern Bluebird” Aaberg
Band plays “Cheer Penn” in Big P formation
Today’s high ball toast goes out to those Penn students who participated in The Line last night. Sorry we won’t play the Hey Song.
Band plays “Drink a High Ball” in high ball/martini formation
If the Penn Band leaves tomorrow, would you still remember us?
Please rise for the alma mater of the University of Pennsylvania.
Band plays “Alma Mater” in Big P formation
Band goes straight to Banner formation w/o scrambling as PA announcer talks
Dartmouth at Hanover, NH - 10/3/2009
So we were perusing The Dartmouth — which we applaud for being the nation's oldest college newspaper despite looking like a high school monthly — and we noticed that on Monday and Tuesday Sept. 21-22 a new Dartmouth President was inaugurated. While we were perplexed as to why it took two days to inaugurate him — we guess things just happen slower up in Hanover — we hope that this new administrator does not abuse his power. While we here in the Penn Band would never dream of writing a show pretending an Ivy President ruthlessly takes over his or her college, knowing our crass Ivy League brethren such as the obnoxious Big Red Marching Band, we fear that Dartmouth fans might be subjected to this kind of show during Ivy season. So in preparation for the rest of the year, here's a rough guide of what the rest of the season might look like.
Band forms military block and plays “Imperial March” from Star Wars
We believe those egg heads at Yale and Princeton will probably take quotes from your new president's inauguration speech out of context. They'll make fun of the fact that he declared that he would “transform the world,” “lead teams of people toward common goals,” and decimate ignorance with his newly developed weapons of mass instruction. They'll probably throw in some Marxist jokes such as saying he has gained control of the means and modes of education, and that he will probably annihilate tuberculosis, master the liberal arts, and obliterate the imperialist, syrup-swilling pigs of Vermont by crossing the demilitarized zone of the Connecticut River. Or something like that.
Band forms missile and plays “Fire”
We also expect Harvard and Brown, which tied for the Ivy title in football last year, to tease you about your once superior football team who last year was “un-victorious” in its 10-game campaign of mediocrity. They'll probably point out that your former menace of the gridiron trenches has fallen far from its 17 Ivy League titles. And they'll probably end with some kind of wish that Buddy Teevens and his Big Green proletariat fare better under the new regime. Heck, for all we know they could even hail the new Imperial Dartmouth regime and hope there's a new era of détente between your New England universities.
Band forms 0 – 10 and plays “Hot and Cold”
And don’t forget that poor excuse for a band from Columbia too,
Now please rise for the Red and Blue.
Band forms R + B and plays “Red and Blue”
Lafayette at Easton, PA - 9/26/2009
No Show, but we were there!
Villanova at Franklin Field - 9/19/2009
Welcome back ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls to historic Franklin Field. We were going to extend a warm welcome to the Villanova band, but unfortunately they could not come today. We guess they’re celebrating Rosh Hashanah at Villanova’s Hillel chapter. L’Shannah Tovah Wildcats.
But the one group we’d really like to give a big shout out is to all you freshmen. We know Amy Gutmann called you the best class in the history of the University at convocation. Don’t take it to heart; she says that every year just to flatter the youngins’.
Speaking of things that happen every September, the Penn Band would like to present its annual summer recap show.
Band forms a T.V. and plays Since You’ve Been Gone
The biggest news this summer was the number of high-profile celebrity deaths. First among them was Michael Jackson. The King of Pop went platinum six times, had 13 No. 1 hits in the USA and his Earth Song reached No. 1 in Spain for six weeks. The preeminent philanthropist and humanitarian of his day, Jackson’s role in “We are the World” brightened the lives of countless children and his landmark single “Black or White” broke down racial barriers in the U.S.
The Penn Band would like to make a joke about Michael Jackson, but we can’t find anything mildly bizarre or humorous about his life or career. To honor him, we now form a gravestone and play Thriller.
Band forms gravestone and plays Thriller.
But wait there’s more! We’d like to mourn the death of beloved pitchman Billy Mays, the inventor and pusher of Oxi Clean, Orange Glo, Kaboom, Awesome Auger, Mighty Mendit and crack cocaine! Only after the final autopsy, however, did we realize these weren’t just cleaning products, but various code names for all of the drugs that he took. In the immortal words of Billy Mays, “buy now, it’s that easy!”
Band forms ¢ and plays “Big Spender.”
But the summer news wasn’t limited to celebrity deaths alone. There also was some big news on the Main Line. Our friends over at Villanova have been atwitter with the recent addition to the Pit dining hall. Instead of forming just one line, they can now form two lines! Truly innovative.
The campus was also a buzz with the construction of the new law school building. Unfortunately the genius behind this new center of higher learning won’t be able to attend the dedication ceremony on Oct. 5. That’s because ex-Villanova Law Dean Mark Sargent spent his summer with Elliot Spitzer. We guess V doesn’t just stand for Villanova or Victory anymore.
Band forms V and plays “Centerfold”
If you think you can write a better show, or know how to play a trombone please come by Platt Student performing arts house Monday at 6 p.m.
And that’s the summer in review,
Now please rise for the Red and Blue.
R + B formation/song
Pregame introductions:
Director Greer “Bea Arthur” Cheesman
Assistant Director Kushol “Gidget the Taco Bell Dog” Gupta
Assistant Director Adam “Ed McMahon” Sherr
President Joe “Walter Cronkite” Coyne
Vice President Zach “Steve McNair” Klitzman
Treasurer Gordon “Frank McCourt” Watkins
Secretary Jaci “Robert McNamara” Rifkin
Drum Major Becca “Eunice Shriver” Aaberg