"Winthrope, please get off the computer. You better not be looking at Quadramics again!" - Winthrope's mother
Jess Dignam
The Chair
jdignam@sas.upenn.edu
Jess Dignam, Quadramics Board Fuhrer…I mean Chair!…was once a meager college student at the University of Pennsylvania studying psychology (sometimes) and garnering fame for her frank discussion of bowel movements at inappropriate moments. However, you probably recognize her picture due to her striking resemblance to Italian pop sensation Jessala Dignamino. In fact, during her 2010 summer abroad in Italy, Jess was approached in Rome by Jessala’s handsome ex-boyfriend and vocal partner, Paulo. He asked her gently and with those doughy Italian eyes of his to dye her hair blonde to look more like Jessala and perform with him at the International Music Video Awards, fooling EVERYONE. After three glasses of wine and a hit or two of hash, Jess agreed, suddenly finding herself entwined in an elaborate plot that was actually a scheme to ruin Jessala’s career and reputation. Fortunately, Jessala showed up in time to pull Paulo’s mic, revealing him as a squeaky, questionably homosexual fraud, and leaving the stage wide open for Jess to perform her favorite hit, “Of That Which Dreams are Made.” Unfortunately, Jess is now back to doing boring shit like chairing Quadramics, whipping small children at theatre camp, and getting stiffed on tips at a local restaurant, but the awesome memories of singing at the Colosseum will never leave her. Let her experiences be a lesson to all preteen girls that you can be whatever you want to be in life, if only for an evening. Or, as the tagline for the completely random and unrelated film The Lizzie McGuire Movie would proclaim with only mild errors in logic: “the only risk in taking an adventure is not taking it at all.”