Carson Kahoe, Director
Are you sure you want to adopt a Carson? I know he'll look cute with a bow around his neck under the Christmas tree, but I don't want to have to send him to the pound if you can't take care of him. Carsons are a lot of work. They're a special breed, from Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, and they're used to hiking and enjoying the woods. For fun and exercise, you'll have to take him out for a walk, or you'll have to play tennis with him (Carsons really like tennis). You'll have to groom him, feed him the Italian food that he loves, let him pursue photography, and listen to him talk about The Lord of the Rings and Star Wars. Sometimes, he'll probably want to talk about his major in Modern Middle Eastern Studies, too, or maybe just about politics in general. So, you sure you want a Carson? Maybe we should just get a corgi instead.
Luke Clements, Assistant Director
Luke Clements has often been described as "ludicrously lucky." He has never drawn a "go directly to jail" card while playing monopoly. Despite never studying, Luke has never failed a multiple choice quiz. Once Luke was in the process of being mugged when his assailant suddenly recalled he had left the gas on at home and quickly rushed away. Luke was once struck by lightning and instead of injuring him, it recharged his phone. Through a bizarre and statistically improbable series of events, Luke has been mistakenly included in Forbes' "30 Under 30" list for three years running. Frequently, Luke gets dressed in the dark and has yet to wear a mismatched set of clothes. The hundreds of failed attempts on his life continue to consistently baffle life insurance actuaries. As one would expect, Luke Clements has a lifetime ban from coming withing 500 yards of the city limits of Las Vegas, Nevada.
Some say it was science gone awry. Some say it was an act of God. Still others say it's a product of mankind's foulest intentions. Like some sort of heinous meatloaf, Charlie was assembled from the scraps of flesh humanity had discarded. Two soft lips. Tendrils of soft hair. A few soft bones. With a few thousand volts and a soak in primordial ooze, Charlie arose. It was man's greatest achievement and gravest mistake. With time, Charlie learned to speak. He danced. He sang haunting melodies. He composed soul-rending sonnets. He would cry when he realized he had killed a puppy or small child in one of his rampages. Have you ever known a monster to shed tears of guilt? Today, Charlie performs improv comedy at the University of Pennsylvania as a gleaming lighthouse amid the black waters, a permanent symbol and unyielding reminder of what happens when man opens Pandora's box.
Alyssa Mule, Communications Chair
Alyssa MulÚ was born under the creepiest star sign in existence (Scorpio, with descriptive qualities such as 'passionate,' 'assertive,' and 'stubborn'), so if you take issue with Harry Potter, Hamlet, or Game of Thrones-Alyssa's obsessions of choice-watch out. Just kidding. Or is it a joke? Scorpios are known to be mysterious, so who knows, really. Alyssa Leigh MulÚ is probably the only person on Earth with that name, as couples with a Sicilian surname rarely give their firstborn child a totally random first name and a middle name that evokes imagery of the Old South (half of Alyssa's family is from South Carolina). She grew up in Connecticut.but then her family moved to Atlanta, GA, where she graduated high school...but then they moved back to Connecticut.so both her body temperature and proclivity for chicken-and-waffles are extremely confused. Her life dream is to travel back in time and be one of the Medici men who doesn't get stabbed, and her dream home is a castle in the English countryside, but since she wants to go into creative writing and academia, she'll probably end up living in her parents' basement for the rest of her life-pardon me, 'during this transition period.'
Brent Weisberg (on leave)
Commonly referred to by his birth-name, SharkB8, Brent Danger Weisberg is a simple man with a simple dream. Whatever that dream may be remains a mystery. Until the world-at-large finds out, here are a few facts about our mystery-man: Brent misplaced his bellybutton in 2008. He recovered it in 2011 during a tragic corn chip accident. Brent once skipped a rock across the Mississippi but never received credit for it because it skipped all the way back. Brent has a firm handshake. Brent won his middle school's spelling bee only to lose in the first round of regionals on the word "tutelage," whatever the that means. Nowadays, Brent resides in West Philadelphia. His major interests include political pseudoscience, ghost punting, sheer sheeping, shag carpet staircases, and bleeding-edge memes. This just in: his dream is to one day start a fire in the bathtub of every home in America. Until then, he studies to be something useful like a firetruck or a space cowboy.
Hughes can't help himself. He loves treats! Gotta treat? He'll find it somewhere, so keep that business LOCKED UP. When he's hungry, Hughes loses himself to a whole basket of vices and wrongdoing. You guessed it. Keep your house LOCKED UP. Hailing from Kansas City, Missouri, he's kind of close to where Harry Truman happened and really likes to talk about it. Bring it up to him in any context. He's not picky. Nowadays, he's performing comedy with Without a Net at the University of Pennsylvania, where he rests among a host of funny people. Come see them perform, and do your best to avoid Hughes' hungry gaze. Good luck!
Ellie Hoffman, Social Chair
In West Philadelphia, born and raised. Ellie is from Scottsdale, Arizona. So, yes: she is cold in 65 degrees. She was named Ellie because her parents wanted a name that clearly wasn't short for something like Ellie, which is usually short for Elizabeth, Eleanor, Ellen, Eliza, or Ellianna. She is the type of person who gives a speech at her high-school graduation describing the toxicity of saying "the type of person who..." When she is not making references to Rupaul's Drag Race, she is probably pondering life's most pressing questions including but not limited to: "Why don't more people say 'including but not limited to?'" Recently, she learned Sarah Palin's most famous quote, "I can see Russia from my house!" actually came from Tina Fey, and Ellie has not been the same since. Ellie is a super passionate person, in fact, her therapist says she's a little too passionate. She gets weirdly excited about linguistics, so after college, she cannot wait to have to live out of her parents' house with her cat/best friend, Sharon. She is ecstatic to be a part of Without A Net here at Not Penn State UniversityT.
Sabrina de Brito, Producer
Sabrina de Brito risks it all for comedy. When she's been laughing too long, her cheeks rise to 105 degrees and her head swells, leaving her with chronic laughter-induced headaches. Nonetheless, nothing makes her happier than acting like a fool to make those around her smile. She has three younger siblings, including a 4 YO obsessed with Spider-Man, she's scuba certified, and she's gotten a black belt in Tae Kwon Do. What grade in middle school did this occur? She'll never tell. She's not allergic to anything and proud of it. She didn't use to like tomatoes and goat cheese, but ever since working at Trader Joe's, she has learned to love them. Her favorite animal is a wolf, and she's afraid to go into haunted houses. But don't cross her, because, yeah, she's also a teenage witch...*waves wand and disappears into the night*
Lauren Payton loves eggs; they're fun to crack and full of protein. She prefers them with a nice runny yolk. She will eat a boiled egg without complaint. If Lauren Payton and an egg were to compete in any capacity, she would let the egg win because she has so much love for eggs. She really likes the idea of the phrase "Eggs with Legs." One time she saw a gif of an egg running with legs, and she was so happy. If you or someone you know can provide Lauren with an egg at any opportunity, please give her an egg. Chicken is preferred.
On a steamy summer night, a group of researchers stumbled upon a scientific anomaly while conducting a flora and fauna survey deep in the swamps of Florida. A young boy, referred to by the name, Joseph, was discovered riding on alligators, petting raccoons, and wearing only a diaper made of native ferns. After giving him multiple rabies shots, the scientists clothed Joseph with a Hawaiian shirt and a pair of khaki shorts, which he has worn to this day. The na´ve Joseph was then convinced to showcase his bizarre lifestyle through a media known as reality television, but was cancelled after two episodes. Destitute and living behind the dumpster of a Panda Express, Joseph turned to the only entity that would accept him, improv comedy.
Hailing from the Windy City, prepare to be blown away by Simon! A stunning conversationalist, this former Californian loves to play upon the mistakes of others. Born with an extreme case of schadenfreude, beware giving Simon material to work with. As we all know, the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell, and Simon doesn't let people forget it. His favorite word is serendipity, but the word you'll most often hear him say is "literally". If given the chance, Simon might accidentally start singing, whistling, snapping, or speaking in an accent, so don't let him! When not bearing the soul crushing weight of existence, he enjoys throwing frisbees, chatting about political events, and doing silly things. The kid whiz decided long ago that before Death could ever take him, he'd visit on his own terms (whether by firing squad or dynamic stunts remains to be seen).